Life as I know it...

Life is like a box of chocolates....

2011-09-15T12:16:00.000-07:00

You never know what you're gonna get. Truer words have never been spoken. Let's face it...life is a crap shoot. Sometimes you win...sometimes you lose. It's how you handle the losses. Some losses I have failed miserably in the aftermath. Talk about your lesson learning experiences.

Natalie mentioned something last night on her facebook about how she tries, and tries and tries with a certain friend but nothing changes. Well...it was along those lines. I'm paraphrasing. That status made me think of the past year and how with certain friends I did the same thing. No matter what I said or did those women judged me or criticizied me. Those were the women I cut out of my life after I had finally had enough. A person can only take so much and then it's time to end the relationship. So I miss those women? Sometimes. Do I regret the friendships? No. It is through the ups and downs with them that I found who I am and just what I will and will not accept. I do think "Would I have ended the friendships if I hadn't made new friends through the cruise? Would I have continued to accept being belittled and treated as sub human?" Sadly...I think I would have. I would have been of the opinion that some friends are better than no friends. Heavens I would have been so wrong!!!

I do like the direction my life took me with the ending of a couple of friendships. I'm stronger and stand up for myself more often. I'm finding that people want to be around me and those people don't pity me. For example...I had mentioned wanting to go to Vegas for my birthday next year and within 24 hours I am spending a week in Vegas with at least 8 amazing women. Instead of me finding a hotel...one friend offered up her timeshare. I have friends who are flying from Rhode Island and Texas. There are a few people who can't make it and I'm sad about that but they will be there in spirit. I've just gained so much with cleaning my life house. Will I speak poorly of the women that are no longer friends with me? No. They are who they are. They just didn't fit into my life story and who I need to be. I fully believe people are in our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I'm not sad that it's over. I'm thankful for the fun and good times I had. I just know when it's time to say goodbye for not only my self preservation but for their's also.

Life is short and I don't plan on regrets. With that said....bring on Cruise to Alaska 2012!!! :)

The highs...the lows

2011-07-27T11:07:00.000-07:00

In the last 7 years I have learned how to do something. Stand up for myself. I won't allow myself to be a doormat for others anymore. I also will not sit back and let others talk trash about me or behind my back. Once I find out that is going on...I'm outta there. Friendship over. Kaput. Dead. Bury it because it's no longer breathing. It is because of this I have been called many a name and told I do not know how to be a friend. Oh really now... If being a friend means I am to accept name calling, accept someone saying "fuck you" to me, not saying how something hurts me, keeping my emotions and feelings buried so no one can see them, and rolling over so I can be walked on then I guess I am not a friend. I refuse to let someone speak to me as if I am subhuman and not say something back. No longer in my nature. I will not accept two faced backstabbing people into my life. I don't need it. It may sound like a cliche but life is too short for people like that. I have no use for them. I'm sure there are people out there who would love to be "friends" with those types. I am not one of them.

Will I end up without friends in my life? I doubt it. I don't whine to them about every little thing in my life. I don't bitch and moan when things don't go my way. I do listen to them when they are having troubles. I'm there to chat when they want to just chat. But...the really cool thing about that is...they want to chat with me. I don't bring my troubles to many people. When I do it's something major that is bothering me and I know I can't handle it on my own. Do I feel guilty when I do that? Absolutely but the friends I talk to are the ones who say "Why are you apologizing??? This is what friends do!!!". Those are the friends I know I can trust and know will be real and genuine with me. The Twilight cruise brought a lot of fake into my life but after weeding through all of the bs...I found some friends who are diamonds. That is what it's all about.

24 hours

2011-07-07T11:14:00.000-07:00

It's been an interesting 24 hours. I know it's been something a long time coming but you are never fully prepared for a longtime friendship to end. I chatted with my oldest daughter last night about it. She was honestly glad it was over. I found out that not only was I the one who was humiliated by M but my children felt the same way. I'm sure that M had good intentions but her actions did nothing more than make me and my children feel like charity cases and unable to fend for ourselves. I'm not being ungrateful. There was one time, many years ago, when what she did for me was very helpful for me. It was the following years when I did not need her charity (yes...I told her that I didn't need it) and yet she continued. The humiliation and embarrassment continued into social situations. It was at the point I started shutting myself off from her. Even when I told her that she continued to hurt me it didn't stop. Yesterday was the culmination of me saying "enough is enough". Are people siding with her and saying she is the greatest friend ever? Absolutely. I know I'm being made out to be the bitch. That's fine. Those people were not subject to her ridicule and humiliation. I doubt they ever will be. I've always been her "project". I've lived with her. I've seen who she is. I stood up for myself and what is true for my life.

Don't get me wrong. I don't hate M. I don't particularly like her but I don't hate her. I have to feel pity for her. She tries way too hard to have friends and keep her friends. Buying gifts, groceries, meals out, clothes...you name it she will purchase it. If she could just be real with who she is and not "don't rock the boat and speak your feelings" and thinking she has to mother me then this whole mess could have probably been avoided.

I wish I could say that I'm saddened by yesterday's events. I'm not. I dealt with my sadness a couple of years ago. Yesterday was just me finally putting my foot down and telling M what I really thought. No one has ever done that with her before. Everyone sees her mask. One day I hope she will take her mask off and be the person she is supposed to be. It is with some regret I will not be there to see that happen. The friendship has died and will not be revived. Too much damage has been done. As for me...I will go on. I do have genuine friends who let me vent, who tell me things I don't necessarily want to hear but need to hear, who don't pass judgement on every move I make, who don't humiliate me and who accept me for the human I am. I'm writing my own story and sometimes I'll screw up a chapter but great thing about that...the chapter does come to an end and I get to start a new one. :)

Very talented...

2011-07-06T12:25:00.000-07:00

It has been said recently that I should should use my writing skills to make a novel(proper English would have been "to write a novel" but I digress) and I am talented in so many ways. There was a disclaimer to that the statement. It was also said that keeping friends is NOT one of my talents though. I find that most intersting. I can't keep friends. I will have to admit that statement is correct...to a point. I must amend what was said. Keeping genuine and real friends is a talent. Keeping fake and phoney friends is not a talent. A talent I am so grateful to not have. It is a talent of those, whom I have decided to no longer have in my life, possess and are quite good at. Women whom I have known for 30+ years. Women who should accept me as I am instead of judging my life and the choices I make. Women who take it upon themselves to lecture me, "babysit" me and while they may not admit to it or realize their actions they demean and are condescending. I have pointed it out on more than one occasion how I was hurt by the way they talk to me or treat me. It was met with nothing more than defensiveness and "she is twisting things around and is emotional". Well I'm so sorry ladies but when I'm upset or hurt...those are EMOTIONS!!!

I ended a 30 year friendship if friendship is what you want to call it. From the moment I met this woman it was always her molly coddling me, telling me how to feel, react and in general just be. She says she wasn't. Even with drill team she would say "Stop being so sharp." It required a sharp moves you bitch. Anyway...Sorry dear heart but when someone views the way you speak to them as controlling and demeaning that is exactly what you are doing. She presents as a the nice, sweet, Christian soccer mom. Always the peacemaker. Her problem is...she takes her mothering outside of her children and gloms onto adults who in no way, shape or form need her mothering. I'm a single mom who has bought a house, been at my job for over 6 years, raising my children on my own, travel, own my car,& have no debt (other than my home. I don't need her charity! Even when I told her to stop it continued. Give me a fucking break!!! What the hell does it take to get it through your head??? Oh I know...GO AWAY AND GET OUT OF MY LIFE!!! Yep...that is what I told her. If she can't respect me and my feelings then fly away little bird. I don't need your shit messing up my happy home.

Will I lose other friends over this? Probably. They see her as the sweet person whom no one could dislike. She will just turn her attention to someone else who she believes is needy and glom onto them. As for me...thank goodness she is gone. I am so done with fake people. She was the last of the fake-ness. For that I am truly grateful.

Dating is a crap shoot

2011-04-26T14:59:00.001-07:00

It's flattering when you meet a man 200 miles from home and then he places an ad in the paper looking for you. What is not so flattering is finding out what this man's history is. When I meet someone I Google him. I'll look on court websites to see if he has a record. I'm not stupid. Imagine my surprise when I found out some things about this man that were far from what I ever thought I would find. I ended it within 24 hours of finding out this information. He is was less than nice to me. It's okay. I have to not only look out for my well being but I also need to look out for my childrens welfare. I won't put any of us at risk for a man. It's just not worth it.

So...I am back in the pond. Swimming around with the hope that there is a fishie out there for me. I do have prospects. A man whom I've known for at least 6 years and back in contact with. A man I know doesn't have a record and is clean. We will see where it goes. If it goes no further than a friendship I'm okay with that. The world won't end for me if I'm alone. I've been this way for almost 7 years. I just know that I'm not going to settle for less than what is the absolutely best for me and my kids.

Twilight = change

2011-03-30T23:40:00.000-07:00

When I fell in love with the Twilight Saga I had no idea where it would take me. I figured it would be the same path that I went with Phantom of the Opera only not as deeply embedded in my soul. It would be a fun trivial little get away from lifes everyday problems. Boy howdie did I figure wrong.

When a woman I know told me about a Twilight Cruise I knew I had to go. None of my friends would even consider going with me. I was on my own. I was determined to go on the trip of a lifetime. I sent in my deposit. I got the paperwork signed and returned. I registered on the cruise forum. It was that registration that completely changed who I was. The forums slowly became my home on the net. I was on there daily. Not just once or twice but many times throughout the day. I would research what to pack, what to bring on the flight, places to go in Seattle (people were coming from all over the world so I wanted them to have the best experience they could), googled fun clothes to wear. Over time...I became the cruise mom. I earned the name Mama E. I was proud of that title. I wore it well. People looked to me for guidance and assitance. If they needed to know something from Linda they would ask me to speak to her for them. Did I get a big head from all of this? Not at all. I was humbled and flattered. More than anything, after years of being alone, I felt as if I finally belonged. I found the friends I so desperately needed.

That sounds harsh doesn't it? Surely I had friends before the Twilight Cruise. In a manner of speaking you could say I had friends. I can't say they were friends in the way the Twilighters have become. They have known me a good portion of my life. I didn't spend a whole lot of time with them and hadn't until our 20th reunion. After that it seemed we were trying to get reacquainted and pick up the friendship from so long ago. I believe that is where my problems began. Granted...I was still a recluse but slowly coming out of my shell. I was still healing from Darren and didn't have much to do with anything or anyone other than my kids and work. I would like to say that it wasn't worth it but in the grand scope of it all...it was through those friendships that I found the circle of friendship where I fit.

In the last 5 years I have felt as if I am nothing more than someone to be pitied by the friends from high school. Not all of them mind you. There are a select few who's opinions and thoughts I still value. I noticed over the course of time how I was being treated like a charity case. The poor friend who struggles to make ends meet and who isn't married. It was constant. Holidays, birthdays, spring, summer, winter, fall. Bring groceries. Bring food. Send money or gift cards. Don't get me wrong. I am very appreciative of all that was done for me. In truth...I didn't need it. Yes, I struggled from time to time. I'm a single mom on a tight budget and sometimes the month didn't stretch out enough but I didn't need charity. Everything that was done for me slowly chipped away at my pride and my self worth. The women whom I thought were friends were slowly morphing into people I couldn't stand.

Everytime I would see them I could see it in their eyes. Pity. Women who are married. Have husbands who work great jobs. Women who have nice homes. Nice cars. Nice clothes. Ability to go shopping when the mood struck them. Women who didn't have to save every last dime to have a weekend away. Women who made me feel like I was their project. Fix Tracey. She can't make it without us. Poor Tracey doesn't have a man to help her through. I wonder if they ever thought for once that they were doing more damage than good? It was after treating me as a charity case that most of them felt they were justified in telling me how to feel, speak, and be. I couldn't have emotions or be upset about anything because they just didn't want to hear it. Since they didn't want to hear anything of what was going on with me I would keep quiet. That wasn't good enough for them either. If I was a recluse they would question why I wasn't talking to anyone. I got to the point that I finally said to someone "What the fuck do they want from me???" Seriously. I did.

The straw that broke the camels back came from the girls weekend out for 2011. It was said that it needed to be planned at a time when everyone could go. When I said that the weekend they chose wasn't going to work for me I got a "Oh...sorry you can't make it Tracey" and then in the next breath it was said "We need to plan this around Wanda and her surgery" WTH? You have got to be kidding me. The weekend that I created for a small intimate group of friends I am now excluded from but a woman whom NO ONE wanted to have join us for the first AND second one is now the center of it all? Yep...that told me all I needed to know. I am still a little bitter over what these women have said and done. None believe that they have hurt me. They believe I went all "emotional and selfish". I actually thought at one point that maybe they were right. So...I asked a few women if I was justified in getting angry or was I just off of my nut by a mile and 1/2. Every woman agreed that I was fully justified in getting angry. I should have never been spoken to or treated that way. Not by women who were supposedly my friends. So with the straw they threw I chose to end friendships. Not just one friendship but a few. I shed some tears. I won't lie. But...the weight that they had become on my heart was something I no longer needed or wanted.

Why did I bring Twilight into this? Simple answer. Twilight gave me the courage and the strength to say "Enough is enough". Twilight brought me my friends. Friends who I know will be there for me in the long run. Friends who don't pity me but give me the love and understanding that I didn't receive before. Friends who have my back no matter the circumstance. If I'm hurt and crying all I have to do is pick up the phone and call any one of them. I will not hear some lame excuse to get off of the phone. They will listen to me. Some will offer advice. Some will just let me vent. It is through these friends that I have found me. There is not a day that goes by where I'm not communicating with someone from my Twi-fam. I need them in my life but you know what? They also need me and that is what makes everything worth it.

Romantic relationships =

2010-11-03T12:23:00.000-07:00

drama. That is all they are. I opened myself up in the last couple of weeks only to find that I'm not the brightest lightbulb in the box. I chose the wrong man to think something could develop. While he is separated he has not filed anything towards divorce. Hello smart girl!!! That is your first red flag. I chose to ignore it. While at dinner he said something that made me really think that I'm stupid if I continue this. He said that if his wife decided to work things out he would seriously consider it. What was that you are waving? Oh I know...A HUGE RED FLAG!!! Get the hell out and get out now!!!! That is a heartache for me just waiting to happen. I'm not really one for heartache. I've had way too much of it in my lifetime. I'm just not willing to take a chance that he won't take her back. The stakes are just way to high for me. I would rather be alone than always be worrying that I'm going to be the loser. Life is too short for relationship drama. I'll remain single if that is the case.

Cruisin' video

2010-10-27T15:15:00.001-07:00

It's about 9 minutes long so get comfy. :)

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

It's just reality...

2010-10-26T10:19:00.000-07:00

It was said this weekend that I'm the girl next door pretty. In the same breath the next question was "Do you know where nice girls finish?". Yeah. I do. They finish last. Men do not want the girl next door. They do not want a woman who has curves and may be a little squishy around the middle and hip area. The reality of it is...men want a woman who is toned. A flat tummy and a little bubble of a butt. Her face is not starting to lose it's tightness. She most definitely does not have the beginnings of *gasp* a turkey neck.

I am the girl who is every man's friend. I am the girl every man talks to and hangs out with. I am the girl that is asked to be friends with benefits. I am not the girl any man wants to be romantically involved with. I am not the girl any man would like to marry.

My friends wonder why I'm single. I just let the whole blog world know why. I'm the girl next door pretty. I am the nice girl who always finishes last. Isn't life grand?

Who am I?

2010-10-20T12:15:00.000-07:00

I look in the mirror daily and wonder who the hell I am. I was thinking this morning "Okay...I'm not gay. I'm not bi but I'm sure as hell not straight". I don't like sex. I don't like relationships in the romantic sense. I just don't know where I fit or where I belong. I was part of a group of women who had girls weekends. GWO. I started GWO for all of us. I thought it was a good idea. Somewhere along the lines I wasn't part of that group. Not through anything they have done. It's me. All me. I know they felt it too. They see that I'm someone different and even though they won't say it...I'm not someone they would like to spend a weekend around. I'm not angry about it. I'm not even playing the martyr about it. My life is so different from their's. Everyone is married or has a partner. Their children are grown or they have someone who can take care of their children for a weekend. If a GWO weekend falls on a weekend I have my kids...I don't go anywhere. I get my kids 2 weekends out of the month. I won't leave them to do something for myself. I don't have that luxury. The only reason I signed up for the cruise is because my kids won't be with me. Summer vacation is the only real time I have for me. I've tried telling them that but it's not something within their realm of thinking so it doesn't mean a whole lot. I can't understand their married life so I certainly don't expect them to understand my life. So instead of being hurt I have chosen to remove myself from the group. It's easier for me to say I made the decision instead of letting myself believe and realize I was actually left out.

People tell me how I should feel and that the way I view things is wrong or BS. That has happened my whole life. I've been invalidated by almost everyone I know. To be honest...the only people who haven't done that are people within my Twi-family. They accept me without judgement or telling me how I need to be, think or feel. I don't have to wear my mask when I'm with them or talk to them. Only one woman out of the GWO group I feel cares about who I am. The rest I don't think would show up to my funeral.

I'm not feeling sorry for myself but I've learned that life isn't what we start out thinking it is. After all of the abuse I've gone through I've given up on letting anyone close. I have friends but I don't have a best friend. I refuse to become involved with anyone romantically. There is way too much damage from a lifetime of being criticized, belittled, demeaned, beaten, raped, and thrown away. I've closed myself off. There isn't the option for anyone to get close to me. I stick to myself for the most part. I'm not a complete hermit but close enough to keep me comfortable in this life.

What I would like to know is...are there others out there like me? Have they almost completely shut down like I have? Have they realized their life is much easier and better keeping people at an arms length? Do they no longer have romantic feelings? Is there anyone out there like me?

Ah....Eclipse.

2010-10-15T16:36:00.000-07:00

The DVD will be released on December 4. *heavens angels sigh* While doing my search I came across the Collectors Edition at Target. It will be a beautiful, beautiful start to the holidays don't you think? :)

Everyone needs to hear this

2010-10-15T15:56:00.001-07:00

Gay, straight, black, white. I don't care who you are or what you are. Everyone needs to listen to this song and remember...stand in someone else's shoes before casting your personal judgement and agenda on others.

Fan made

2010-10-14T14:44:00.000-07:00

A fan made trailer of Breaking Dawn. Sometimes fan made trailers kick Summit's weak trailers all to hell.

Humor and a good cause

2010-10-13T14:04:00.001-07:00

Gotta love word of mouth. Sherri told me about a bracelet that she purchased and me being the girly girl I am...I had to check it out. Cathy makes the most beautiful bracelets. She also has a shop on Etsy. Go check her out and spend some money!!! Really...spend some. Her bracelets are worth it. :) Y'all need to click on the "like" button on her facebook! The woman has a killer sense of humor and will make you giggle everytime you read one of her posts.

This is the bracelet she created for Dee. A survivor of shaken baby syndrome. He is a wonderful little boy and the son of one of my best friends. Her bracelets are crocheted. How she crochets beads I have no bloody clue but she does and she does a fine job of it. She even makes Twilight bracelets!!! Have yet to buy one but one day I will. Well...I will when my checkbook will allow it in the budget. ;)

Birthdays and Twilight

2010-10-07T10:43:00.000-07:00

I'm tired of doing nothing for my birthday. Granted my last birthday I was treated to a weekend of pampering and seeing Michael Buble' by a man I used to date but honestly...he drove me out of my mind and completely batty. I remembered why we aren't together. *headdesk* I want to do something with friends and the one thing that keeps me from losing my mind. Twilight. A thought popped into my melon this morning. Why not spend my birthday in the one place that would surround me with Twilight? So the plan started to form. I checked my calendar and grinned. That is a weekend without children. Say it isn't so!!! I can spend my 44th birthday in Twilight heaven and not be worried about where my kids are? Oh the joy and fabulocity of it all!!!

So where am I going to immerse myself in all Twilight? I'm going to go here:

and here:

and here:

and here:

and here:

and for a list of everywhere else:

http://experiencetwilight.com/category/twilight-movie-tour/

Where will we be staying? In St. Helens of course!

So...for my Twi-friends who are reading this...just let me know if you can make it and I'll start getting everything put together. :)

Must promote this...

2010-10-06T11:43:00.000-07:00

I'm a Twilighter. Everyone knows that. Just look at my blog and it won't take long to figure it out. I do have to stray from my Twlight for a moment though. My friend, Linda Wolf of Cruises, Cruises, Cruises who put together the Twilight Fans Cruise I went on in August and is putting together the Twilight Cruise I'm going on next year has put together another theme cruise. Ready for it? Harry Potter! Yes my friends...there is going to be a Harry Potter themed cruise to the Caribbean. I spoke with Linda today and there are going to be LOOK ALIKES on the ship. She named off: Hagrid, Bellatrix, Sirius, Harry, Hermione and she is hopefully going to have a few more. Check out the link and if Harry Potter is your own personal brand of heroin...sign up!!! Yeah...I threw in the Twilight quote because...well because. ;)

www.wizardsatsea.com

People are just assholes...

2010-09-29T13:40:00.000-07:00

Either that or they have some serious self esteem issues. While on my cruise I learned that there were people who thought I was a snob and said that I thought I was better than everyone else. WTF??? Are they kidding? Let's take a closer look at who I am shall we?

My past is so far from being of a snobbish kiss my ass kind of upbringing. My biological parents were alcoholics. My bio mother is on her 8th or 9th marriage. She smokes like a chiminey, textbook poor white trash and a total bitch. My adoptive parents were basically middle class. I didn't have the best of everything and we lived in a modest home. My first husband was unemployed and I supported us off of a part time waitress job at Red Lobster. Yes...church mice were wealthier than we were. As long as he had his cigarettes life was good. For me...not so much hence the divorce. I currently live in a 1973 doublewide manufactured home. I drive a 2002 PT Cruiser. I shop for all of my clothes at thrift stores. I live from paycheck to paycheck. I will even admit to receiving food assistance from the state. So my question is...what in the hell is the basis for people thinking I'm a snob? By my looks or the fact that I'm not all up in someone's space when I first meet them? This isn't just from those people on the cruise. I get nasty looks from people I don't even know. There are days it's from everyone I cross paths with. Walk into the office building? Ugly looks from women coming out of the gym. Walk into the convenience store for a soda? Ugly looks from the woman behind the counter taking my money. Walk into Wal-mart for groceries? Ugly looks for just about every woman I walk by.

So what is it? I'm a kind person. I'm genuine and do not think of myself as better than anyone. I do what I can for my friends and I treat my friends with respect. I'm a good person. The people on the cruise, whom I thought were friends, talking trash about me when I truly did not do anything or say anything to deserve it really did hurt me. When I found that out I pretty much retreated into myself the rest of the trip. I still had fun but kept the real me from showing. I didn't go out of my way to be friendly to everyone. I stayed in my little circle. Will I do that in Italy? No but that is a different perspective for a different blog. My reason for this blog isn't looking for "fluff up my ego" comments. It's just me not understanding why I'm looked at in such a negative light. If I was a gossip and rude to people I could understand it. I'm neither of those traits so why the hate filled garbage being thrown in my direction?

Mike Welch, Chaske Spencer and Jodelle Ferland Twi Cruise 2010

2010-09-28T11:04:00.000-07:00

He karaoke's quite hilariously. He actually split his pants while singing Bohemian Rhapsody.

Here is the Q&A session...

Mike and his booty dance from Twilight.

Home for a month

2010-09-28T09:33:00.000-07:00

And I really wish I was back on the ship. Life is so much easier when you are on a cruise ship. No cares. No worries. Just having fun and relaxing. I can't even begin to say how much I enjoyed the trip. It was truly something that had to be experienced. Here is my trip in a quick pictorial:

Our first meeting. It was like seeing family again. :)

Welcome to Forks!!!

Forks Police car

What is left of Forks High School. I got lucky and there was a contractor giving a couple of girls a brick from the school. Yes...I got a brick also. :)

Bella's house. While we were here taking pics the owners were inside taking pics of us. LOL

Bella's place of employment.

Mini meadow!!!! Okay...we were laying in a bunch of clover but it was our own meadow. :)

The Cullen house. This place is GORGEOUS!!!

First Beach at La Push. I have fallen in love with this beach and to be honest...it kicks Cannon Beach's ass all over the place.

Me and Rhonda at First Beach. I love this woman!!! She is one of the most amazing people I have been blessed to know. :)

Sitting or leaning on Bella's truck.

Need I say why I have this photo? ;)

Me and Rhonda

Kristin loves me. :) I love her too though so it's okay.

All Twilight fans...do NOT eat at Bella Italia unless you are craving poor service and mediocre food. You have been warned.

We went to a Mariners game the night before we set sail and the game was boring beyond comprehension. The only excitement was the 300 section full of Twilighters. Here are some pics though.

Alice and Edward were there? Really!!! ;)

Me, Alice and Edward. Oh...Alice is also holding Pocket Edward. Pocket Edward went everywhere with us!

My crazy, outrageous, fun and loving friends!!!

With the Cougar Family. I love them muchly. :) I am boring as hell compared to Mama Cougar. Mary is hilarious!!!

Sandy is as crazy as I am about the saga. We commissioned someone in Canada to create a Renesmee doll for us. Yes...we are that obsessed.

Words fail me as to the reaction when we finally met face to face. For some reason Mary thinks I'm crazy. ;)

This luggage is for only 4 people. It was sad to look at.

80's karaoke night. Kristin was Madonna. Can ya tell? Right down to the "Boy Toy" belt buckle.

Uptown girls!!! I didn't sing. See me on the left? I was a backup dancer. LOL

Partying after 80's partying. :)

Courtney!!! Love this girl so much!!!

It was not a drunken boo-boo but trying to sit down and getting my good caught on a sign. It scarred. I have a forever memory in my leg now.

This picture makes me giggle. We were in the Crow's Nest and the boat rocked. When that happened all 7 of us rocked at the same time. That is the reason for the big smiles. Everyone who was watching started laughing at us. Too fun. :)

My beautiful Irish friend, Ciara. Yes...we were both unsober. ;)

Me, Alex and Jaime at the costume ball. Free drinks all night!!!

Absolutely NOTHING made me laugh harder than this. It was during the Jeopardy game. This picture was the answer. The question was "Who is Rosalie Hale?". It was one of those "had to be there" moments. Anyone who was there will laugh at this picture. :)

Mike Welch was the emcee for Family Feud. The man is hilarious!!!

Jodelle Ferland is a doll and such a sweetie. :)

Glacier bay!!! See Pocket Edward? He loved it too.

Rhonda and me with a Quileute storyteller. He was such a nice man. Oh!!! See the wine Rhonda and I are drinking? Mulled wine my friends. Warm and oh so tasty. :)

Look at the water!!! It was gorgeous!!

We created junk food junkies. Gary is from Holland and Adine is from New Zealand. They don't have Hostess treats where they live.

Mendenhall glacier. It was gorgeous beyond any imagination.

First formal dinner night. :)

No explanation needed.

Sitka was gorgeous when we were there. Blue sky all day and warm.

My family. I love them so much. This was our last night on board. *tear*

Liz. LOL

Gorgeous brunettes.

Me and Charlene. Don't ask why the tongue thing. I don't know.

Liz and Charlene and the tongue thing again.

Charlene and Rhonda. See? Tongues. We are nuts. ;)

Sadly...the cruise had to end. Happily...I've put down the deposit for next year's cruise.

http://twicruise.com/

More memories. More time with my Twi-family. More living my life instead of existing in it. :)

It begins at 2

2010-08-04T09:21:00.001-07:00

Today is my last day of work for the next 10 days. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I've never been on a trip of this magnitude alone. I'm excited to meet everyone that I have been texting, chatting, emailing and talking to for the past year. This is just completely out of my comfort zone. I'm just a bundle of emotions right now. Terrified, excited, nervous. I am border tears because I am so ready to meet my Twi-family. I've met a couple of people already so that helps. It's all so surreal. I'm sure I'm going to have an absolutely amazing time. I just need to get over the initial jitters. Will post tons of pics when I'm home. :)

2011...yes it begins

2010-08-03T10:18:00.000-07:00

I love planning things. Just like this cruise which I'm going on in 5 days. I found out about it June 2009 and the saving, spending and making new friends began. I hate not looking forward to something. Just sitting back and waiting for life to happen. I make my life happen. :)

Now that summer 2010 is almost over...it's time to start thinking about next year. GWO is a given. I sent out the preliminary email to everyone yesterday to get some ideas on where to go and what dates. Summer was really bugging me because I wanted to take the girls to the new Harry Potter theme park. That doesn't look like it will happen though. I have to buy a car for myself, tear up the front yard and do some landscaping, gut my main bathroom and redo it, put up gutters around the house and flooring in the house. My tax refund just won't stretch out that far. I do want to do something fun though. Young un's dad has plans for them so I'm not worried about her. Mini me has suggested that when Young'un is on vacation that she and I do something on the Oregon coast. Not a bad idea. No sales tax and outlet malls. Smart child I have.

Yesterday I was on the phone with one of my dear cruisers. She had just come home from Twi-Con in Toronto Canada. Can you color me jealous and 3 different shades of green with envy? I want to go to a Twi-con!!!! Well my lovely cruiser suggested I join them next summer. Really???? *said in a high pitched mouse voice* Me being the planner I am I looked up Twi-con for next summer. There are 3 choices. Boston, Raleigh, and Cincinnati. She suggested Cinci. It's next August and that gives me plenty of time to save money. So that is my plan for next summer. Twi-con with my cruiser friend, her sister and her daughter. OH!!!! I just had a thought!!! Instead of going to the Oregon coast I could do the Twi-con weekend and bring Mini me. That was a brilliant thought wasn't it?

Next November is the day any true Twilighter is looking forward to. In 471 days "Breaking Dawn" will be released in theaters. This is a HUGE thing!!!! It is the last book of our beloved saga. This will actually be part one of "Breaking Dawn". Summit has decided to make the book into two movies. I'm not complaing to be honest. I don't want this ride to end. I'm enjoying it way too much. Anyway...for "Breaking Dawn" another of my dear cruisers and I are planning a party for the release. This party has to be beyond amazing. Of course it will be a 2 parter. Can't have a party for one 1/2 of the book and not pay homage to the finale. It's just not right.

I've been invited to Los Angeles this fall and then possibly to NYC to see Phantom at some point but those are still up in the air plans. Nothing set in concrete. The above trips? Mandatory!!! I love my life. People may call Twilight stupid, a literary fail, teeny bopper frivolity and whatever other crap people like to spew. I call Twilight my lifesaver. It brought to me the most amazing people and I am so honored and blessed to call them my friends. :)

Nah...it can't be 25 years already!!!

2010-07-29T13:48:00.001-07:00

This past weekend I went to my 25 year high school reunion. In absolutely no way do I feel or look like I graduated 25 years ago. At least that is what I keep telling myself. I figure as long as I keep saying it I won't believe it. :) I can honestly say that I was not looking forward to this soiree'. I've been in a bit of a "ho hum...leave me alone" kind of mood lately. A reunion where everyone or most everyone is with a significant other. Married or just dating there were going to be couples. Lots of them. Did I really want to put myself into a situation where I would feel like a total loser for still being single? Ah what the hell...why not? Gave me an excuse to go shopping. Found a cute top and I was off to the Friday night get together at Jackson's.

Walking into a bar is always a strange feeling. Kinda like you are being stared at and are you grade A top prime. Yeah...it felt that way for a bit until I saw some friends. Beelined it to their table and felt a lot more at ease. More than I was expecting. Hmmm....maybe this won't be so bad. I meandered my way into the club portion of the bar and the fears I had about being a total loser disappeared. I was surrounded by people I grew up with. No judgement there. Maybe the night wasn't going to be a total pain in my arse as I thought.

I was back to the person I was in high school. Just call me a butterfly. I fluttered from one table to another chatting with everyone. Yep. Tracey hasn't changed. Heavens did I hear that a lot. It's nice hearing that I don't look 43 and haven't changed since high school. While I do think I've changed as I believe I was not pretty or cute in high school but quite plain and boring. I am so not plain and boring now. I might even go so far as to say that I'm pretty now. Shhhh....!!!! Don't tell anyone I said that. ;) No...the guy is not my boyfriend or husband. Just a friend from high school. People read so much into a photo!!!

Saturday night I remained sober. That sounds like I wasn't sober Friday night. The reason it sounds like that is because I wasn't sober Friday night. A lemon drop, 2 margarita's and 1 beer later...Tracey is friends with everyone she meets. :) Saturday I had to be responsible. I was in charge of the registration table and the money. Couldn't be drinking and foul that up. Money is important to make something like this a success. Was it? Absolutely it was. Everyone was fed well and drank even well-er. The drinks were poured and flowing Saturday night. All in all the A.C. Davis High School 25 year reunion was a success. Such a success that people were already asking about the 30. I think the ones who put this together need a rest first. Like a couple of years rest then we will look at planning that one. :)

Oh yeah!!! Edward Cullen stopped by to give his love and to keep me safe. *grin*

Really?

2010-07-08T12:11:00.000-07:00

Three and 1/2 weeks. That's all the time left until the cruise. When did that happen? Where did the last year go? I'm not ready yet!!! I still have a few things to pick up. I have my dresses that are still getting altered. *sigh* Well...ready or not...it's time. Time to experience something I have been looking forward to for the past year. To be honest...I'm terrifed. I've never done anything like this in my life. Taking a trip without my kids or family. Sure I have my Twi-family but I've only met 3 of them face to face. I'm sitting here typing this trying so hard to not break down in tears. I really shouldn't be this scared. Throughout the year I have created some wonderful friendships with people. They aren't strangers to me. They are my friends. My new family. I'm sure that once I get checked into my hotel on the 5th and meet everyone I will be fine but right now...I'm beyond frightened and nervous. :/

It's my life

2010-07-07T09:33:00.000-07:00

Anyone who knows me knows that the Twilight Saga is my life. I don't freak out and go all ballistic with buying merchandise even though I do have quite a bit of Twilight stuff. I cannot explain why Twilight means so much to mean. It's become a part of who I am. Truly I did not plan this. It's like falling in love. It chooses you. I fell in love March 2009 and it is still going strong. Honestly I don't want it to end. I know it will and that just hurts my heart. Weird to say but Twilight has kept me going when there are times I felt I didn't want to. Twilight has brought some amazing people into my life. People that I know will remain in my life until my heart stops beating. Yes...I took that from Jacob. Cut me some slack here. ;)

Eclipse was released June 30th and there is a song in the soundtrack that has touched me in a way no other song in the saga has. It's called All Yours by Metric. I can see it viewed in two different ways. One as a love for another person but I view it as a person loving themselves after being hurt by life and finding the courage to come back stronger than ever. The lyrics are a bit difficult to understand so I'm posting the lyrics along with the video. This is by far my favorite song, next to Super Massive Blackhole, to come out of the saga.

Other lives, always tempted to trade
Will they hate me for all the choices I’ve made
Will they stop when they see me again?
I can’t stop now I know who I am
Now I’m all yours, I’m not afraid
and you're all mine, say what they may
and all your love I’ll take to my grave
and all my life starts now

Tear me down they can't take you out of my thoughts
Under every scar there’s a battle I’ve lost
Will they stop when they see us again?
I can’t stop now I know who I am
Now I’m all yours, I’m not afraid
and you're all mine, say what they may
and all your love I’ll take to my grave
and all my life starts

I’m all yours, I’m not afraid
and you're all mine, say what they may
and all your love I’ll take to my grave
and all my life starts starts now

Only an Eclipse

2010-06-30T12:07:00.000-07:00

It took my breath away more than once last night. Bella saying yes to Edwards proposal, the tent scene, the leg hitch, the fight scene. So many scenes that brought my favorite book to life. I have to give it to David Slade...he pulled it off. There was one thing that irritated the hell out of me and I hated. He did this wonky, shaky camera work that may be creative but did nothing more than frustrate me. Eclipse is not a wonky shaky camera kind of story. I'm sure David had his reasons but this fan was not fond of it.Edward took my breath away and almost brought me to tears more than once. He looked absolutely and utterly beautiful in this movie. So much that I almost chose a team. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm Team Switzerland. The tent scene just about changed that status. I love Jacob but Edward put it over the top last night. He was almost human. Rob brought Edward to a totally different level in this movie.

Jacob was finally seen as the sarcastic smart ass that he is in the books. Not some love sick puppy following Bella around. Taylor had some great one liners and he delivered them in perfect Jacob fashion. Everyone knows that Jacob kisses Bella more than once in Eclipse. Not front page news. The first time against Bella's wishes and the second Bella asks him to kiss her. While Taylor was very good showing Jacob's pain and anger...the second kissing scene just didn't have the chemistry that Edward and Bella have. It was so painfully obvious. Don't get me wrong...I love Jacob and Bella's relationship but not in a romantic sense. I was reading an interview with Kristen and she said it was awkward kissing Taylor because they are such good friends. Well...it was clear on the screen.

It was interesting to see how this movie played out. In the first two movies it was all about Bella. In Eclipse...she wasn't the center of attention and everyone's focus. Granted...she was in a lot of scenes but it seemed more that the film was about the pack and the Cullen's protecting her and their love for her. The backstory for Jasper and Rosalie were perfect. Gave just enough information about them.

Eclipse surpassed all expectations for me. Will I see it as many times as I saw New Moon? Most likely. Will I feel guilty about that? Not a snowball's chance. I am a true Twilighter. I will see the movies as many times as possible while at theaters and then will be in line at midnight for the DVD release. :)

3 or 23

2010-06-29T09:42:00.000-07:00

I was listening to the radio this morning as I normally do. One of their subjects was about dating. Well seeing how I haven't dated in over a year. Okay...I haven't had a date in over a year. I haven't had a long term boyfriend since Darren. One of the statistics was men prefer women who have some substance to their hip area. Oh really? Where was this poll taken? I have yet to hear a man say "Wow...she looks great. Such round and squishy hips". I am one of those hippy girls. What??? I've had children. It happens to normal women. If I was a celebrity and had a personal trainer I'm sure I would not be hippy but one of those "unattainable women" that men fawn all over.

Women come in different sizes, shapes and forms. Not one body is the same. I have been a size 4. I look emaciated and sick. I've been a size 16 and I look like Shamu. Currently I am in between those sizes. I am a 10. Am I happy as a 10? No but I'm not depressed and suicidal either. What is frustrating is...we women are bombarded daily with skinny, stick thin women. We see men salivating over these skinny women and lusting like a sailor who has been at sea too long. In turn, we women, feel that we need to excercise, diet and almost kill ourselves to fit into a size 4. Why?

As a woman I find it insulting that a man would want me to be what he sees in a magazine or on a porn site. I am not airbrushed. I am not in a gym daily. I eat food. Real food. I love King's Row Specials. For those of you who don't know what that is...it's a junior burger, fries and a soda. I'm a dipper when it comes to my food. Give me a sauce and I'm happily fed. I'm still a beautiful person even though I have hips and a squishy tummy. My last relationship was based upon men's views of how a woman should look. Thin, made up daily, nice clothes. Always pulled together with never a down day. I was brainwashed basically. If I did not look good I was not worth being loved. I gained weight after having a hysterectomy and guess what happened? He suddenly fell out of love with me. Our relationship ended less than a year later. I know I'm not alone in that scenario. Many women have gone through it. Sadly I won't be the last who experiences the destruction of self esteem at the hands of a man and what he views as ideal.

The media has painted a very dismal and ugly picture for real women. Not that the women in the magazines and movies aren't real but they are airbrushed, photoshopped and posed in ways that make them look perfect. It is those women we try to become. What men want us to become. I'm not saying all men because there are some men out there who love a woman for who she is and not what size she is. They are not the majority though. As a woman I find it unfair that a man would want me to be stick thin and look the way he deems a perfect woman. We don't demand that men have a 6 pack and be tighter than lug nuts on a semi. Be real in your expectations. Hard bodies do not last a lifetime. A person's personality and who they are inside does. Find someone you are attracted to but based upon your views of what beauty is. Not Hollywoods or the fashion industry. There are amazing men adn women out there of size. Passing one up because society says they aren't beautiful may be the biggest mistake of your life.

It's a Twilight thing....

2010-06-03T13:20:00.000-07:00

and you wouldn't understand unless you are a Twilighter like I am. I just bought something else for my "Twilight inspired" bedroom. We all know that I have Bella's bedding. I have yet to put it on my bed. It's driving me mad knowing it's sitting in a box. I know I know...I could put it on my bed but I want to get the painting done first. At least I'm thinking I'm going to paint. Heaven only knows I hate hate hate white walls. I have 2 walls in my bedroom that are white. The other two are a beautiful lavender. I'm just hating the thought of painting but I really think I need to get off of my flat ass and just do it. *sigh* This weekend maybe? A gallon of fricking paint is only $15 at wally world. I can afford that. Maybe I can head to Home Depot and see what their "Oops" colors are. Only $5.00 a gallon if I can find a color I like. What would match the bedding and my lavender wall? On another note but for the beautiful walls...here is what I just bought today...

The quote...not the frou frou stuff. I need to make my bedroom my own little sanctuary since I don't see me getting married anytime soon. Some stuff is most definitely Twilight stuff. I found the mirror that is in Bella's bedroom. It's a vanity type so not huge. With my closet doors being all mirror...no need for hugeness in the mirror department. I just love it and even though the price is completely stupid...I want it.
I found a vintage dresser that I need to paint...damn that word...and I really think the mirror with this candle holder would look fabulous.

There are some other little touches I'll add such as a dark wood end table and a table lamp. I bought this lamp not realizing that Bella has one almost exactly like it only as a table lamp instead of a floor lamp.

I do believe this saga has become part of my thoughts without even thinking about it. Now to just get everything done before August. I can do this...right?

Would you treat your dog that way?

2010-05-27T10:17:00.000-07:00

I'm not perfect nor do I claim to be. Let's just get that out there first and foremost. I screw up from time to time. I'm human. I'm fallible. I'm just me. I've learned that there are people who believe I'm someone who does not have feelings. Someone who is supposed to not let things bother me. Just put a smile on and take whatever words or actions are thrown my way. I am not allowed to get upset. Really??? I didn't know that I was a Stepford. Someone failed to send that memo my way.

I used to have a friend whom I loved almost more than life itself. I tolerated and put up with his poor treatment of me and my feelings for years. Making plans with me and then cancelling at the last minute. Saying he would call and then not. He was really good at making plans with me and then not even showing up. I accepted that from him for a hell of a long time because I loved him. Last year I finally found my balls and told him I was done. I deserved so much more from a friend than what he was giving me. I ended the friendship. I had to think more of myself than the limited friendship he was offering me. Hurt like an SOB but it had to be done.

There are still people in my life who don't take my feelings into consideration. I'm supposed to sit back, let them say what they believe is to be right for me and not speak my thoughts or opinions. When I'm upset or feeling blue I get the "There are others out there who have it worse." No kidding there are but does that mean that I'm not allowed to be bothered or upset by something that has happened to me? I'm just supposed to suck it up and pretend life is just rosy perfect? Hate to break it to y'all but my life is not perfect. Far from it. I get upset. I get the blues from time to time. It is because of those feelings that there are times I want to just let loose and have a good time. Apparently I'm not allowed to do that either. I'm to have a "babysitter" and if I do something that they don't deem to be correct I am to leave the place I was having fun at. I am to be humiliated at a later date because of the fun I was having. When I stand up for myself and state that I'm hurt I get the standard "Sorry that hurt you but I'm not sorry for watching out for you". Hmmmmm.....let me see. Watching out for a friend is what friends do. I get that. I do that. BUT...if a friend is doing something really stupid like thinking they are going to drive after drinking, is going to get into a car with someone she doesn't know or something that will endanger her life. If a friend of mine is kissing a guy she just met in a bar it is none of my business to stop her. Hells bells...I'll ask her to see if he has a friend. Who am I to say who she can and cannot kiss or have sex with? A friend and I have said that on the cruise if someone meets a guy then that someone is to let another cruiser know who they are with. We don't want to know the details but we do want to know that they are going to be okay.

I'm just tired of being treated as if I don't have a brain in my head. That I cannot make decisions on my own. I am a 43 year old woman. I have bought a house on my own. I've been at my job for over 5 years. I own my car outright. I have custody of my children and they are taken care of. I pay my bills and always have food in my house. I may not be rich and I do live from paycheck to paycheck. Sometimes funds get low and I have to really suck it up to make it but the fact is...I do make it. I have done this on my own. I am an adult. If I want to fly off to Las Vegas for the weekend with a nice man... I will. If I want to spend the weekend with an ex boyfriend for my birthday...I will. If I want to kiss a man I just met in a bar...I will. I will do what I want when I want. I've earned that right. It is my life. I will live it how I see fit. I may ask for advice from time to time but it will be me who will choose what advice to take and what advice to throw out. I will not apologize for who I am. I am who I am and will change for no one. I will not allow anyone to tell me how to act and how to feel. It's as simple as that. Others can accept that in me or they can't but I won't tolerate being treated as if I'm a simpleton. Period.

Opinions...everyone's got one

2010-05-19T10:26:00.000-07:00

I am just boggled at the way people treat others when someone expresses an opinion. Seriously? Everyone has an opinion. Kinda like a an ass. EVERYONE HAS ONE!!! Today I was reading something about preparing for the cruise and not contracting a cold, flu or some other virus. A doctor had suggested to her that she might want to start taking Emergen-C and get her body virus shield up. Not a bad idea since there are people on a ship from the world over. I have no idea what kind of germies they have in Europe just as the europeans don't know what kind of germies are here in the states. Why not be as prepared as possible? Duh.

Good grief!!! The onslaught that proceeded from just one statement was insane. "Use hand sanitizers. Don't use hand sanitizers. Use soap and water. Don't take that much vitamin C. Do take that much vitamin C. That's not healthy. Not a good idea. You can get sick from that much vitamin C. My family takes vitamin C all of the time. Hand sanitizers aren't good to use." Are you bloody well kidding me??? Hello!!! Every single human body on this big round blue ball has cells within us that are completely totally and 100% different than everyone else. Vitamins effect everyone completely different. Did you know that no two people have the same DNA? Well...maybe twins and multiples but I'm getting off track. Medicines don't always work on everyone. They react in different ways. What may work for me may not work for you. Didn't I mention "duh" earlier?

Advice. That is all this person was giving. What her physician suggested. It was a suggestion but it went all psycho crazy. Is vitamin C good for you? Yes. Are hand sanitizers good? Yes. The thing is...ALL WITHIN REASON!!! Holy crow people. Use your melons. That's why God gave it to you. To think with and use reason.

People have opinions and that is all they are. Opinions. No one is telling anyone what to do, what to take and how to act. Take the opinion. Use what works for you and throw the rest out. It's as simple as that. Don't go all armageddon on someone for offering their opinion and advice.

The hypocrisy is everywhere!!!

2010-05-07T10:21:00.000-07:00

Non-Christians judge Christians. Christians judge non-Christians. So tell me...who are the hypocrites here? Every last one of them. I was reading some comments on a fictional book that just so happened to be Christian fiction. I love to read and have read some Christian fiction but this is one that I will not be reading due to personal opinions and reasons. Does either side not grasp the concept that everyone has their own thoughts and their own opinions? When someone voices their opinion on something "Christian" it's as if all of hades has opened up and all of the wrath from that has been poured down upon the person who made their thoughts known. Personally...I believe that "Christians" are the worst offenders out of everyone on this planet.

My view on Christians is that they are the biggest hypocrites of them all. They preach their views and beliefs. Live as they live or you will perish and be sent to the bowels of hell. Seriously? Every religion believes they are right and everyone else is wrong. Give me a freaking break!!! I believe in God. I believe in heaven and hell. I believe in good and evil. There is a right. There is a wrong. There is not one true religion. My honest belief is God hates religion and what humans are doing to His creation is breaking His heart.

I personally have no use for the church and the people who have to preach at me whether that is through sermons, books, television shows or fictional books. They shove their beliefs and views down the throats of people who don't have the same views. God did not create us to be robots. He gave us our own free will to believe how we wish. God is not a dictator. The very people who say that they worship God are the ones who are, in my opinion, hurting the very entity they say they love so much. They are the dictators. They are the holier than thou's.

Everyone, in one way or another, is a hypocrite. At least people who aren't church going don't put their hypocrisy out there for everyone to see. I'm not saying that all Christians are hypocrites. There are a few, and I mean very few, who follow their religion religiously. For the most part the vast majority are hypocrites and bigger liars than anyone in the secular world.

Yes I got on my soapbox today. It just get so old seeing so called "Christians" belittle, demean and in general speak poorly of others who do not follow the doctrine they believe to be right. I have argued with someone I know about Harry Potter and how I do not believe it is bad. She says that it's full of witchcraft and kids should not read that stuff as it can lead them down the wrong path. I told her that if she is going to be against HP then she needs to be against anything that has a witch in it such as Wizard of Oz, Sleeping Beauty, The Little Mermaid, Snow White, etc. She shut up after that but still refuses to have anything to do with HP. See what I mean? Hypocritical.

Anyway...I'm done with the rant. For now. LOL

Glad it's history

2010-04-30T14:30:00.001-07:00

This week has been the worst I have had in such a very long time. A daughter who has been so sick that she has had to have a CT scan, strep tests and yet we still don't know what is wrong. I've been having to deal with a stepmonster who can't seem to understand that I AM THE MOTHER!!! I keep telling myself that it isn't too much longer and I will never have to deal with that bitch again. My daughter and I are living for that day when we can tell that cow to go to hell.

Work has me stressed but nothing new with the reasons. Just need to put the rhino hide on and focus on what matters to me the most. My family, my friends and the plans I have for this year. Twilight Girls Weekend and the cruise. It's what is keeping me from going totally mad. As long as I keep myself busy I won't think about how thoroughly disgusted I am at certain people.

I do need something to fill up the fall and from what I've heard "Breaking Dawn" is scheduled to start filming in October. One of my dear cruise friends wants to come out here and "set stalk" so who am I to say no? :) Not sure where they are filming yet. Really hoping they bring it back to the states and film in St. Helens again. Would be perfect for a weekend drive. I know I'm dreaming and possibly living in a fantasy but filming begins after the cruise and since we are going to be partying with Mike and Alex they will remember us and bring us on the set. You never know. It could happen!!! It's a long shot but I'll hold onto that fantasy for awhile. LOL

There are no words to express

2010-04-23T16:47:00.001-07:00

How I'm feeling about this trailer. Seriously. None.

OMT!!!! Is it June 30th yet???? *dying*

I am not as young as I used to be

2010-04-21T16:09:00.000-07:00

Holy crow I'm exhausted!!! Everything about yesterday was worth it other than the drive home. The weather sucked!!! Seriously. I stopped in North Bend for gas and something to keep me awake and it was raining to beat the band. By the time I got to Ellensburg my knuckles were white and I could barely move my fingers because they were gripping the steering wheel so tightly. Rain mixed with snow and fierce winds made for an ugly drive.

I went to Seattle yesterday to meet Linda and Bobbi. They are organizing the Twilight Cruise I'm going on in August. Have I mentioned I'm going on a Twilight themed cruise? ;) I am. You should check it out:

http://www.twilightfanscruise.com/

Met up with Linda and Bobbi in the lobby of the Westin and from there it was a great time. Granted they were having a meeting to get some things worked out for the pre-cruise portion of the trip but it was interesting to see the inner workings. After all of that was said and done we sat down for drinks and appetizers. I have found MY drink while we are at the Westin. I love Cosmo's but I can say that hands down The Westin in Seattle makes the best ones by far. I'm sure that by the end of the 3 days the bartenders will know to make it as soon as they see me. YUMMO!!!

Sonya (sales manager at the Westin), Linda, Bobbi and me

We went to see a Mariners game last night and I was honestly thinking we would be sitting in an okay section. Nope. We were sitting in the Terrace Club seats. NICE!!! Found out a little more about the Vampire Night festivities and got a free Mariners baseball cap. :) A really nice one too. Not that I'm much of a cap person but I'll wear it for Vampire Night.

Me and Linda

I'm so glad I signed up for the Twilight Cruise. I've met some of my best friends through this trip and we haven't even gone on the cruise yet. Lifetime friendships have been formed and when I told Linda that it looked like she teared up a bit. I don't think she expected this little turn of events but her idea of a Twilight fans cruise was quite possibly one of the best things she could have ever done. :)

Concert 4/3/2010

2010-04-09T16:11:00.000-07:00

Just because I want to be able to re-live it sometimes...

This was hilarious...

And my favorite song....aside from "I'm feelin' good" for obvious reasons. ;) This was the 2nd to last song and he still had energy after a 2 hour show. Amazing entertainer and someone I would be more than happy to spend as much money as possible to see again. I won't ever go see him without being in the 3rd row or closer. :)

OMT!!!! I found it!!!

2010-04-09T16:03:00.000-07:00

While perusing youtube for Michael Buble video's from last Saturday's concert I came across the one where he smiled at me. I have just died again because I know that at :25 through :28 he was looking at ME!!!! Okay...the heart is doing some little pitter pattering again. Now I can live that moment over and over again. *sigh*

It's a makeup kind of thing

2010-04-07T10:28:00.000-07:00

I admit it. I have turned into a makeup whore. I thank my Twi-friends for it. Sephora is like a swirling vortex of fabulous products that you just cannot pull yourself out of. I try to avoid the website at all costs but yesterday I had to order. Really. I did. Since there isn't a store here in the armpit of Washington I needed to get my birthday gift from them. A smokey eyes kit. I ordered something. What did I order??? Oh yeah!!! I ordered a small makeup tray. Seems that the one I have now is starting to get a little crowded. Okay...it's getting a lot crowded. BUT...with my order I not only got my smokey eyes kit I also got 3 perfume samples AND a super sample of Shiseido Bio-Performance Super Corrective Serum. All of that for $13. See? I love Sephora.

Hmmm....

2010-04-06T15:35:00.000-07:00

I do love this...

Should I get it? Oh wait!!! I got it for my birthday!!! I love having people in my life who enable my Twilight addiction. :)

My weekend? Words almost fail me.

2010-04-05T09:55:00.000-07:00

I had an amazing weekend. My whole 4 days off were amazing. Lunch with my Twi-friend on Thursday, relaxing in jammies on Friday. Saturday I flew to Seattle to meet up with an old friend. He decided to pamper me for the whole time I was there. He picked me up at the airport and we went to a little hole in the wall restaurant for lunch called Txori. YUM!!! It was a little Spanish place. Not Mexican. Phenomenal food.

From there I did something I've never done. I got a facial!!! Great little spa in Belltown. If you are in or around Seattle go check out Spa Noir. Found the most amazing skin products ever!!! Will most definitely be purchasing them.

I was surprised at where I was staying. He reserved a king room at The Edgewater for me. Talk about a nice place!!! Another highly recommended place to go.

Dinner was at a place I had never heard of. He took me to Palisade. He had told them it was my birthday so when we got there we had rose petals scattered on the table. Dinner was fabulous and the view, even though it was cloudy, was wonderful. Don't get me started on the pomegranate cosmo. Yummy!!!

Once dinner was over it was time to head to Key Arena for the very reason I went to Seattle. Michael Buble. I cannot even begin to say how fabulously fabulous the concert was. His opening act was "Naturally 7". They have no instruments other than their voices. Check them out...

I was in awe while watching them. Oh...I was in the 3rd row watching them. ;) Yes...I would be jealous too. LOL

After a brief intermission, this man came on stage...

I can safely say that any time he is in concert within driving distance I will be going. Holy crow that man can put on a show. He was "insert a lot of superlatives here". While he was singing the above song he was on the side of the stage where we were sitting. He was singing and looked right at me. Well...I thought he was but just to be sure I smiled really big and guess what? He smiled right back!!! Yes...I became a puddle at that moment. Michael Buble' smiled at me! *sigh* I love Michael Buble. Seriously though...the concert was fabulous and definitely worth seeing again.

Yesterday was spent walking around Pike Place Market and the waterfront. It was really too cold to enjoy much. I did get my photo taken with the Easter clam outside of Ivar's though. ;)

A great birthday and I truly hope that all of my birthdays from here on out are just as much fun.

Matchmaker matchmaker make me a match

2010-03-31T10:24:00.000-07:00

Seriously. I mean I'm going to be 43 tomorrow. I would love to meet my match. Where the hell is he??? Apparently he isn't anywhere I've been because as you can see...I am still single.

Good grief that word just looms like a huge thunderhead threatening to spew out an F5 tornado. Let's just draw attention to ourselves shall we? When I was younger the word "Single" was not ugly. It meant you were enjoying life. Partying and having fun. Did you know that the "S" word for a woman of a certain age draws really horrific visions in a person's mind? Such as...

and worst of all...

It is disconcerting. It really is. I'm not one of those women who thinks that life is over if I don't have a man in my life. Believe it or not...I CAN live without a man. I don't need a man to make it through this story someone decided to start for me. Do you sometimes question what the hell our parents were thinking? We did not ask for this story of life but yet here we are! Now to figure out how to write it so we aren't on our deathbed thinking "You have GOT to be kidding me!!!". So here I am figuring out the chapters and filling in the blank pages with..well not a whole lot of anything. I want to meet someone. Someone who can help me fill in those blank pages.

I'm not a fan of self help books. Actually I try to avoid them at all costs. I prefer to live in the fantasy world of Stephenie Meyer and other wonderful authors. But there is one self help that has come into my possession. The title is quite catchy. Become your own Matchmaker by Patti Stanger. Don't know who Patti is? You don't watch Bravo TV do you? Patti is the Millionaire Matchmaker. Love her show and love her. She is a no hold barred, kick you in the balls truth teller. If you don't want the truth then don't ask her for advice. She is awesome.

So here I sit...holding onto a book that could quite possibly change everything for me in the romantical department. I will read it. I will contemplate it. I will hopefully take some of what she says, apply it to my life and meet my Edward. Hey!!! It could happen.

Just gets better

2010-03-30T15:21:00.000-07:00

I don't care what anyone thinks or says...the Twilight world is a fabulous world. Yes I know it's fantasy. Yes I know that it will one day fade way. For now...I'm enjoying every moment I can spend in Stephenie's world. Today Stephenie announced that she has written a novella that is part of the Twilight world. It isn't about the Cullens. It isn't about any of the wolfpack. It's about a newborn and her name is Bree. If you have read Eclipse then you know who she is. If you haven't read Eclipse then all I can say is that she is a newborn vampire and was changed by Victoria. Don't know who Victoria is? She is a nomad vampire who hates Bella and Edward. Don't know who Bella and Edward are? You must be living under a rock.

Anyway...Stephenie is giving us a glimpse into a newborn's life as it begins. I am so glad she chose Bree. Bree has a very small but yet significant part in Eclipse. To see how her "life" began will be really interesting. What makes this even more wonderful, as if getting a new Twilight book wasn't enough already...Jodelle Ferland, who is playing Bree in Eclipse which is premiering June 30th in case you didn't know, will be sailing with us in August.

A lot of people weren't all kinds of excited when it was announced she was sailing with us. Now that there is a book about her character? I think Jodelle has just been thrust into the limelight without even trying. I have a feeling that poor girl is going to be signing a whole lot of these:

Yes...she will be signing mine. Duh. ;)

Summer 2010

2010-03-29T09:55:00.000-07:00

Is going to be nothing short of amazing. Yes...most of it revolves around Twilight. That goes without saying. If you know anything about me you will know that my life is all about Twilight. :)

June is the beginning of all things Twilight. If you will look at the countdown to the right you will see that Eclipse will be released June 30th. Will I be at the midnight showing? I certainly hope so. I wasn't able to go to the midnight showing of New Moon which completely bummed me out. Even if I don't go at that time I will be going that weekend. It's mandatory. Another duh statement. ;)

July is beginning to be the month where some friends from the cruise and I are going to get together in Seaside, OR and checking out all of the Twilight set locations. Yes I know...I've been before but there is no such thing as too much Twilight. This is just one of the places we will be going...

August will be the month I have been living for since June of last year. August 5th I will be leaving for Seattle to enjoy 10 days of nothing but Twilight and people who truly understand my obsession. A week and 1/2 of partying and doing nothing but enjoying myself and relaxing. :)

A fabulously wonderful Summer 2010. :)

This is dedicated to...

2010-03-26T10:51:00.000-07:00

Okay...no names mentioned but if you have known me for any amount of time then I don't need to spell it out for you. Enjoy. :)

April is such a good month

2010-03-25T10:11:00.000-07:00

They say that a person's favorite month is the month they were born. This year is quite accurate for me. Starting on the 1st I will have 2 paid days off. A friend from Seattle is going to be in Ellensburg but driving to Yakima and taking me to lunch. She is one of my cruise friends and I love her to death! We are making tentative plans to go visit the Twilight sets down in Oregon sometime before the cruise but that is still up in the air. If we do go there will be a few of us having way too much Twilight fun. :)

April 3 - 4 I'm being treated to a pampering type of weekend in Seattle. I only know a limited amount of info on this one. I'm being flown to Seattle. Going to dinner and then to see Michael Buble. The rest is all a question. He has it all planned out and I'm just supposed to relax and have fun.

A couple of weeks later I'm heading back to Seattle for a day trip. Linda and Bobbi, the cruise organizers, have invited me to join them at a Mariners game. I'm going to drive over early enough to wander around for awhile before meeting up with them. This will be my first game since the train accident. I will do my best to hold things together and not let it affect me. I need to face my demons and finally exorsize them from my life. The memory will always be there but I don't need to allow it to control me.

All in all...April is shaping up quite nicely. :)

Sometimes you just gotta say "Why the hell not?!?!"

2010-03-22T11:13:00.000-07:00

I received an unexpected email last week. Shocked the heck out of me to be honest. It was from a man I dated a couple of years ago. We tried chatting back around the holidays but it got ugly and I blocked him from texting or calling me. Didn't block the email which is really unlike me. When someone pisses me off that person is pretty much blocked completely. His email was not something I even thought he would ever do. He apologized for being a complete jerk to me. Okay...that took me by surprise. He has never apologized for anything from our relationship. After his, what I felt was a genuine and sincere apology, he asked me to go see Michael Buble' with him. What the what??? Seriously? I was floored. I was supposed to go see MB with him 2 years ago but our relationship ended just before the concert. After a lot of thinking about whether I should go with him I decided to take a leap of faith. He has told me that he does not expect anything from me other than to relax and enjoy myself. I know this man and when he says he is going to take care of everything...that is exactly what he means. I also know that he will be a perfect gentleman. He has his moments of being a complete and utter ass but if there is one thing I know about him it's that he is a gentleman. I know that he will treat me with respect and complete consideration. He knows that I want more out of a relationship than what he can offer. He is okay with that and said that just being friends with me is enough. I may sound completely naive but I believe him. So...in 2 weeks I will be having a great weekend with a nice dinner and seeing Michael Buble'.

ECLIPSE!!!

2010-03-11T09:47:00.000-08:00

OMT!!!! It's about freaking time!!!! Now to wait 110 days. Yes...I have the countdown on my phone. Would you expect anything less? ;)

Daily positive affirmations

2010-02-02T10:27:00.001-08:00

I have had it!!! That is what I told myself today. I am so sick of owning that little man's insecurities and short comings. I'm so tired of letting him control my head in how I see myself. I am NOT the unattractive fat worthless woman he told me I was. Yes...it was a daily thing for him to tell me these things. Even when he didn't verbalize it he would show it in his actions. He was/is a man who does not think highly of himself. He never has. His lack of self esteem and self worth were placed onto me and like a fool...I accepted them. There is a line in "Pretty Woman" that sums it up perfectly.

Vivian: People put you down enough, you start to believe it.
Edward Lewis: I think you are a very bright, very special woman.
Vivian: The bad stuff is easier to believe. You ever notice that?

She is so right!!! When you hear day after day what a horrible person you are, that you aren't pretty enough, that you are too fat, that you have let yourself go (said 3 weeks after having a hysterectomy) you truly start to believe that. When DA and I separated I continued to own his failings that he painted onto me. I wasn't what he said I was. He just couldn't accept himself for who he was. A man who was almost 40, never been married, no children and no relationships that lasted longer than 18 months. I lived with a man who thought very little of himself so to make himself feel better he would bring me to a point where I was lower than him in how I viewed myself. Once I got to the level of pond scum...he ended things with me. I wasn't what he wanted in life. Well no kidding!!! I was beat down and shredded. Of course I wasn't what he wanted. When he met me I was thin, had a brand new car, worked for an international chemical company, had a nice apartment and lived in Seattle. I was a great little fantasy for him to brag to his friends about.

It has taken me over 5 years to get to this point. The point of where I know I am going to be alone for the rest of my life if I don't change something. I have a lot of people out there who are on my side. Who see me for the woman I am. These are just a few of the things they have told me:

You are beautiful. You have the most amazing eyes I have ever seen. You are a great mom. You are our Esme. I appreciate you. You deserve the best! I love you!!!

I hear positive things daily!!! I'm doing things that I would have never done 5 years ago. Taking a cruise to Alaska, working out, been at my job 5 years, meeting wonderful and inspiring people, I bought a house. I've come so far in who I am that it's amazing. What I haven't overcome are the words that were spoken to me. This morning was my epiphany though. Those words were not intended for me. They were the very words he knows he is. Those words are what gives him the boost he needs because he knows that deep down he isn't worthy of having a good woman in his life. He has to belittle her so he feels like a man. As long as a woman is subserviant to him he feels all powerful and good about himself. While he goes on with life once he is done with the woman he has abused...the woman has to pick up the pieces no matter how long it may be. For me...it was over 5 years.

I'm going to do some healing of my spirit and soul. I will be posting Positive Affirmations around my home telling me what a good person I am. That I am beautiful. I am worthy of being loved. I am worthy of being in love. I am a good mom. I am a good friend. Those post it notes will remain up in my house until the day I finally believe what they are saying. It's going to be a tough and long road for me. There are going to be days where I want to quit and crawl back into the black hole he put me in. This is where my friends come in. I know they will support me. They will be there for me when I fall. But...I will do everything I can to be strong enough to just need a little lift or a small breeze under my wings to get me flying again. I owe this to myself. I deserve this and I won't disappoint myself again. I have but one life to live and I'll be damned if I'm going to let some small minded, ignorant, stupid little insecure man take it from me.

What do you get when you combine a ship, Alaska and Twilight?

2010-01-28T11:11:00.000-08:00

You get a lot of fun...that's what you get!!! I signed up for the cruise with complete trepidation. I had no clue what I was getting into. This was the first time I have ever decided to take a trip on my own and actually follow through on the deposit. Terror was the only think that rated up there with sheer and unadulterated excitement. Little did I know that I would be meeting some of the most amazingly wonderful people. We have formed a little family through Facebook and the cruise boards. A lot of people think I'm nuts. Maybe I am but...I will be surrounded for 10 days by people who are just as crazy about Twilight as I am. An experience of a lifetime. If you are as into Twilight as the 700 other people going on this cruise...give Linda a call. Tell her I sent you. You will be glad you did. :)

http://www.twilightfanscruise.com/

There are bag ladies. There are cat ladies. I'll be the book lady.

2010-01-26T11:11:00.000-08:00

Seriously. I'm not capable of loving someone romantically. It's not in me. Not anymore. I loved once a very long time ago. That love ended August 1, 2004. I loved with all that I was in that relationship. I made mistakes but never did I think that my love would be thrown back in my face. It really didn't even enter my mind that it would be treated so callously and without regard. In the intervening 5 years I have dated sporadically and have had 2 "boyfriends" if that is what you want to call them. One lasted 2 months and the other just over a month. Neither was a healthy relationship and it was by Grace I was released from the relationships.

I shut down and closed myself completely off the day Darren and I ended things. I don't remember deciding to seal up my heart to romantic love but somewhere along the line that is exactly what I did. I'm not going to sit here and blame him for my coldness. He has his share of it but that is his cross to bear and he will have to atone for what he did. I do own how I handled it though. Being a strong woman was not even something I could say much less be one. I had been beaten down to the point of being subservient to him and being what he told me I was. I allowed it to happen. I could have left and I didn't. I loved him. I made the mistake of thinking what every woman does. "He will change. He is just having a rough patch in life right now. Things will get better. If I just lose the weight he will still want me. If I just find a really good paying job he won't be so stressed. If I...if I...if I" Those thoughts brought me to where I am today. People don't change. Not when they don't believe there is a problem. I shouldered the problems. I owned them. By taking possession of issues that weren't mine...I now have a heart that doesn't believe romantic love is real or possible.

Nothing I do has ever helped bring me out of this way of thinking. I've dated and always found a reason to not go out on a second date. I continue to have the thoughts "He is going to hurt you and he will do exactly what Darren did to you." Thoughts that I truly have no control over no matter how hard I try. I have tried to date and like a man. The wicked thoughts always creep in and I end what has barely begun. I know that people are going to think "Oh Tracey...let it go. He didn't deserve you and doesn't deserve what you are giving him now. You are still letting him control you." Just for the record...I have let him go. Anything I felt for him has long since died. It's the aftermath of him that I'm still reeling from. Even though I was with him less than 2 years...the damage was extreme and it goes deep. I look towards my future and all I see is me, my books and living in a small town away from the majority of the population. Never did I think that at 43 this is where I would be but...here I am.

Next floor...fantasyland. Where life is much better than reality.

2010-01-19T14:10:00.000-08:00

I used to believe in love. Really. I did. I was one of those who had dreams of grandeur. Meet my prince, head over heels in love, marry, buy a house, have children and live happily ever after. my last long term relationship was the 2x4 upside my head that woke me up. Are you kidding me? Dreams do not come true. People kill them by settling. I'm a good example of settling. Did it in my first marriage. Did it in my last relationship. Both men I would have and should have never considered being in a relationship with. My first husband was a smoker. He was a video game junkie. He didn't have a job until just before I moved out. Hmmm...wonder what made me marry him? My last relationship? He had never been married and no children at the age of 37. Never had a relationship last longer than a year. Very secretive with his life even though I lived with him. Extreme addiction to online porn. Hmmm...wonder why I stayed with him? Oh I know the answer on both counts. I settled!!!

Do I blame these men for my views on love? Not entirely. I accept the majority of why my opinions are what they are. Ultimately it was my decision to be with them. Their treatment of me as a person rests solely upon their shoulders though. I won't own that stuff. Although, I chose to allow them to treat me like a second class citizen. I WILL own that. I was the one that made the decision to remain with men who were less than what I wanted in life. Did I deserve what I got? To a point...yes. You accept less than what you want...you deal with your choices. I don't believe I deserved to be mentally and emotionally abused. No one deserves that.

My views on love are from a lifetime of hurts. Some people would call me cynical. Maybe I am. It's difficult to not by cynical when everytime I am in a relationship I end up hurt in one way or another. I'll meet men and their thoughts lean along the lines of FWB or me bending over backwards to be near them or with them. They believe I am to give up my life here to be where they are. There are men who believe I am the one to travel to meet them wherever they may be. Wenatchee, Seattle or Alaska. I am not of that viewpoint. If a man wants to meet me then he will make the effort for that to happen. I get that from all men I speak with. The conversations usually don't last long after that.

March 2009 is when I chose to let all love in reality go straight out the window. Love is something we read about in fairy tales. In my case...in the Twilight Saga. I've totally immersed myself in the saga and it's become a part of my life. It's safe. It's where my reality lies for my views on love. I can live the fantasy through Edward and Bella. I don't get hurt. I cry. I laugh. I become part of the story for however I want to continue reading. This is what love is. A fantasy in a book. It doesn't exist in the real world. As long as I keep that in perspective then life is where it should be. Happy and at peace.

Now I know I've become a new me

2010-01-16T07:49:00.000-08:00

Never in my life did I think I would tell a man what I did the other day. A very nice man. Someone I've spoken to before and thought he was it for me. We parted ways and I let it go over a year ago. For some reason I emailed him the other day just to see how he is doing. It was nice to talk to him and his deep voice about melted me all over again. He said he missed me and that he wants to see me. Uh oh. Not the direction I was thinking when I emailed him. Crap. Seriously? How do I get myself into these messes? What I thought was going to be a mess turned out better than I thought. I told him that I really wasn't looking for a relationship right now. Yeah I know. Shocked me too. I've never ever ever told a man that. I usually just fade into the woodwork and he stops talking to me. I know...that's the cowards way but hey...I'm a coward sometimes. At least when it comes to letting a man know I'm not interested. This man wasn't upset with me, go all postal or dramatic on me. He said that it's cool and he was okay with that. But...I haven't heard from him since.

Timing is everything for all that we do. Just like finding my brother. He is going to be losing his mom soon to cancer and he fully believes that his step dad won't be far behind. When they pass he said all he has left for family is an aunt and a brother. Then I come along and POOF...he doesn't feel so alone in this world. Why is it that I looked off and on for 3 years but never found him and then after one half enthusiastic post on Craigslist I find him in 2 hours? Timing. None of what happens to us is accidental. There are reasons and a higher power that has a plan where our life goes. I fully believe He has to adjust those plans based upon some of the stupid choices we make but the final result is because He wants us there. WOW!!! Talk about an epiphany. Freaky to have those at 8:00am on a Saturday.

It's not time for me to be in a relationship. I don't know how I know that but my heart is telling me to remain single. Is it because of the cruise? Possibly. I know me when I get around my friends and we are having fun, partying and drinking. I'm a flirt. That is not front page news. Not in a "I want to have sex with you" kind of way. It's just sometimes a bit too friendly. I think I'll leave it at that. I could embarrass myself. Anyone who has been around me doesn't need an explanation and for people who haven't...they will know in August. :) I'm just feeling good about the cruise and that I'm possibly going to meet someone who could very well be my Edward. I don't know but I do know that at this moment in time...I'm not wanting a relationship and I'm good with that.

Wenatchee or bust

2010-01-15T15:37:00.000-08:00

Yep...heading up there tomorrow. How can I not when someone sends me a text saying "A little someone just told me (with a huge grin on his face) that he wants to see his auntie Tracey!"? Sherri plays dirty. :) I'm not complaining though. How can I say "no" to this face???

Sherri is evil and must die. Using a precious baby boy to get me to Wenatchee is just wrong. Then again...I've told her this many times yet I still love her to death and would never do anything to hurt her. Good thing she knows and accepts my sense of humor. So tomorrow? ROAD TRIP!!! :)

Emotional...what the freak????

2010-01-12T21:57:00.000-08:00

Sometimes the stars align just right and everything becomes just as it should. I've mentioned on here before that I have a brother. I found that out 3 years ago. Anyone who knows me knows that I am the Google queen and if it's to be found...I will find it. Sadly...I never found my brother. I accepted that I most likely never would.

Let's skip forward to January 12, 2010. I have no clue what made me think of Scott tonight but I felt that I needed to put another ad on Craigslist in the area I thought he would be. I went grocery shopping and thought nothing of it. I come home, put the groceries away, get dinner going and check my email. There was one from the ad. I didn't think much of it since people on CL like to play games and that is just what I thought this one would be. I was so wrong. After a few emails sent back and forth...I found my brother.

I've gone through phases in the last 2 hours. Doubt, speechless, shock, inability to breathe, acceptance. I'm still in a strange state of surreal-ness. It's weird. Little did I know that when I woke up this morning I would end my day chatting with my younger brother. A brother who didn't know I existed until tonight. I asked him if I looked like Gene. I just about hyperventilated when he said "Yes you do, Tracey". I swear...as long as I live I will never forget those words.

I will never have all of the pieces of my biological family put together. Gene, the man who helped create me, passed away before I ever started searching for my bio family. I will never know what kind of man he was. Did he think of me while I was growing up? Did he regret not keeping me? Did he love me even though I was not in his life? I'll never get answers to those questions. I feel at peace tonight. There isn't that huge gaping hole that I thought would never be filled. My heart is full. :)

Friends are wise

2010-01-12T13:00:00.000-08:00

There are days when I want to just become a recluse and not deal with life in any way, shape or form. Then there are days when I need my friends so much that it is a physical need. Not in a sexual context but in a "I need advice and I cannot do this on my own" kind of way.

I'm a helping kind of soul. I don't want people making the same stupid mistakes that I've made. I want to try and help steer them in the direction of least pain and hurt. It is this part of me that can get me into trouble. Thankfully I can finally recognize when I'm about to step over the boundries and need to ask for advice. I've learned to talk things out with not just one friend but a few of them. I need to see all sides of a situation. To see when it will do good or blow up in my face.

I don't know where life would be for me if I didn't have my friends. They keep me grounded and I'm able to see situations through different eyes. It's the only way I can make decisions now. I've screwed up too much in the past by making decisions that should have been talked through and they weren't. Life's lessons learned the hard way. I really had learning things that way. I would rather get all perspectives and then make an educated decision. So far it's worked quite well for me. I've avoided A LOT of drama by doing that. I think I'll continue. It's a good system. :)

And just as I was about to post this...I got this from Margaret:

"God doesn't give you the people you want; He gives you the people you NEED... to help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you into the person you were meant to be."

See what I mean? I love my friends. :)

Trains and baseball? They don't scare me. Yeah right.

2010-01-11T08:31:00.000-08:00

This is a year of me facing many fears. Deep water is not my friend and yet I'm going on a cruise. Heights and I are not on great terms but I'm going on a ship which is quite tall. What was I thinking when I booked the cruise? I'm going to New York City in February and most likely the top of the Empire State Building will be on the agenda. Brilliant Tracey. I have these deep rooted fears and yet I do everything I can to really aggravate them.

Deep water and heights I believe I can cope with but I've decided to do something in August that has me panicked already. The cruise coordinator has arranged to have a Twilight night at a Mariners game the night before we set sail. It's no secret that I'm a diehard Twilight fan. If I have the funds and chance to do something that involves Twilight...I'm in. Anyone who has known me for any length of time knows that I was very close to losing my life at a Mariners game June 18, 2005. I was standing next to a man who lost his that night.

It will be 5 years in June that the accident happened. I need to face this. I need to get past the vivid images that go through my mind every time I'm near Safeco field. I need to stop seeing his body laying crumpled on the ground. I need to let the survivors guilt go. I will be surrounded by a lot of friends that night but there is one person that I truly will need there...even if she doesn't go to the game. She reads this blog and she may know I'm talking about her but...Bean...I'm going to need you that night. You don't have to go to the game if you don't want to. I just need you.

A year of facing fears. Hopefully I will overcome them. If not...I still have friends by my side to support me and get me through. I can't ask for more than that.

The Great Twi-drought of 2010

2010-01-10T09:53:00.000-08:00

You have got to be kidding me!!! The Twilight world is like the Mojave Desert in the middle of August. Dead and dry!!! There is absolutely nothing happening. David Slade released one official photo of Edward and Bella a million minutes ago. That's it. Everything we have seen from "Eclipse". Edward and Bella sitting in the meadow.

The agony, and it is agonizing not having anything new, can be seen everywhere. Pick a Twilight blog, gossip site, photo site. You will find nothing new. I know I'm not the only one feeling it. Last night the cruisers got an email update regarding our trip. We will be going to a Mariners game and the Mariners are having a Twilight theme that night. Tickets are $15 and we get a souvenir t-shirt. More Twilight shirts to add to my ever growing collection.

Twilight baseball is all we have right now and the cruisers are almost holding that news with a chokehold. It's the most excitement we have had since New Moon was released. That seems like it was so long ago when it was less than 2 months ago. We need something and soon. We need just smidgen of our drug to get us through to June. Please...*whimper*

Blessings and boy does life seem rosy now...

2010-01-09T22:19:00.000-08:00

I am not a religious person and everyone who knows me knows this. I do not believe in organized religion and fully believe it is a man made concept that truly needs to be destroyed so God can be worshiped the way He wants to be. Not some idealized and bass ackwards way of thinking. I'm sorry but King James did not know what God wanted to say so who gave him the right to translate the bible into what he wanted? I do believe in God though and fully believe in heaven and hell. I firmly believe that 99% of the people who attend church are hypocrites. They preach and preach and preach but they do not in any way, shape or form live their words. I've seen it first hand. I'm not going to get into that though. What I am going to get into is how things happen for the good of a person's life.

There are times in life when a person thinks they are taking the right turn and making some wonderful choices for where they want the future to be. Let's call it "The Honeymoon Phase". All is well in the world...well from an outsiders perspective it is. Hmmm...something odd is happening but you just can't put your finger on what it is. You overlook what you perceive to be minor issues. Holy crow but that is your first mistake!!!

Minor issues soon start accumulating. Not at the speed of sound but slowly and surely. Those minor issues turn that wonderful honeymoon phase into the "Am I looking for things or did that just really happen" phase. You can't ignore the problems. They are real. They are ugly and they love to mock you. "Ha ha...now whatcha gonna do? I'm here and you can't do anything about it!". You feel defeated. You know that the right turn you took was in fact a left. How could that have happened? You were so sure. What you were sure of was the little layer that you were allowed to see. Not the deeper recesses of what would eventually become your own personal hell.

Living in hell is not where people want to be. They want to be in the light. They want to be happy and live life to it's fullest. Once you realize that what you see is in fact...what you are seeing. Not a figment of your imagination. Those little flags that were waving at you in the beginning....those little red ones? They are now HUGE and you are having to face the grim reality of where your life is. You are now in "Great! Now how do I get out of this without hurting those who matter the most?" phase. It is up to you to fix what you broke. Sure there was another party assisting in damaging of your life but ultimately it falls on you. You were the final voice in saying "Should I go right or should I go left?". Don't beat yourself up over this though. That other party was quite convincing and played the game well. You just need to see that party for who and what they are.

Moving on with life will not be easy once you realize that you went oh so far off the road you should have taken. You are now in the "Well that sucked." phase. What do you do now? Well you go through the "Will I ever stop crying?" to "I hate you...you son of a bitch!!!" to "How could you have done that to me?" to "What the hell was I thinking" to "Thank you for breaking my heart" to "You may have broken my heart but you did not break me". It's a rough road to crawl. It will be a crawl. No chance you can walk or sprint through this one. The damage is deep and it is real. More real than you ever thought possible.

Life gives us choices. Take the right or take the left. It is up to us to determine which to choose. Which will be better for us. But...and this is a good one...regardless of which direction you go...you can always, always find the good within. It may take awhile but the positive will always show it's beautiful face to you. My positive showed it's amazing and glorious face to me recently. I am a blessed woman and I cannot thank God enough for what He did for me. He allowed me to be hurt because I was not the woman I was supposed to be yet. The hurt I went through was necessary to bring me to where I am now. I hated going through it. I hated every last minute of it. I wouldn't trade it though. I love who I am now. I love the woman I have become. I am this woman because of the other party. I am strong. I am independent. I am beautiful inside and out. Would I ever thank the other party? No. He does not deserve thanks. Thanks belongs to who guided me through the damage.

Letter to self

2010-01-08T22:12:00.000-08:00

Avoid reading really old emails that have never been deleted. It serves no good purpose but to make you think and then next thing you know...tears are running down your cheeks. You cannot take back what you know was right for you. Letting him go was in your best interest. I know you miss him. I know you will always love him but it's done. The friendship is over. Cherish what you had for 26 years. He will always be a part of your life. Just not your future life. He loved you as much as you loved him. No one could or will touch what the two of you had. A deep and unconditional friendship. Don't you realize that is very rare? It's not something men and women are usually capable of. The two of you had that love for so long. You shared something that very few will ever be able to touch or even understand. Appreciate it. Cherish it. Bring it out sometimes and remember how he made you feel those nights when you had a little too much to drink and he had to babysit you or when you were all out with friends and he would protect you from freaky stalker guys. You can still love him. Love the man he was for you for so very long. Love that fact that no matter what happened in your life he was there to support you and listen to you cry. Don't let the fact that he is no longer a part of your life bring you down. Life changes. People change and people move in different directions. His road and your road took different routes. It's okay. These things happen. It doesn't mean that saying goodbye is easy. Of course it isn't. It hurts like hell. It will always sting. He will hold a piece of your heart forever but remember something. You also hold a piece of his. You will forever be in his heart and soul. What you two shared is not something that will ever be forgotten. Hold onto that. Read his letters sometimes. Smile at the way he made you giggle when you didn't want to. He still loves you. He will until his last breath. Of this I am sure. You affected his existence as much as he affected yours. He will never forget you. Hold his memory close and he will never truly be gone. He will forever be Pooh as you will forever be Piglet and no one will ever take that way. It is yours. No matter where he is and the names Pooh and Piglet are mentioned...he will always think of you.

Love,
Your conscience
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I love you Pooh and you have a piece of my heart and soul that no one will ever touch. Be blessed my love. You were my one true love and friend. You will never be forgotten.

Love,
Your Piglet

Davis High alumni...what is going on?

2010-01-07T10:37:00.000-08:00

Wow. Another classmate death. Julie Underwood passed away December 29, 2009. I have no clue how. I'll most likely know more later this evening. I went to church with her and also high school. She was such a kind and warm person. Her voice was amazing. There was just an inner glow about her that drew you into her.

I cannot believe that another classmate passed away in 2009. Off of the top of my head I can think of 3 people. Roger from a heart attack. Shelley was brutally murdered and now Julie. What is going on with the mid 1980's classes of A.C. Davis High School??? Just the class of '85 alone has had 12 or 13 classmates pass away. Murders, suicides, medical reasons. It's starting to really freak some of us out. By average that is one classmate every other year. It's scary to think "Who is going to be next?". Life is so short. We need to make the most of it because once it's over...it's over. No second chances.

Rest In Peace Julie.

New sidebar

2010-01-06T11:20:00.001-08:00

If you will look at my sidebar you will see that I have added something. I'm going to be walking in the March of Dimes Walk for Babies in April. Natalie asked if I wanted to walk with her and with what happened to Luke...I couldn't say no. I don't know if CMV is something that can be totally obliterated from our lives or if it's a virus people need to just deal with and pray to God it doesn't affect unborn children. What I do know is that seeing poor Luke sick and not knowing what was going to happen tore me up. He is my heart after all. I love that little boy soooo much!!!

See my heart...?

He is beautiful. He is amazing and has the most gorgeous eyes I have ever seen. I hope that you can help me reach my goal for this walk. Any amount is a good amount. :) Just click on widget and it will take you directly to my page. Thanks so much!!!

So many thoughts...

2010-01-05T10:15:00.000-08:00

It's coming up on tax time. I'm a bit weirded out about that. Usually it's a simple thing for me. Go online. Log in to the tax company I use. Do a lot of data entry. Tax refund deposited in my checking account in 10 days. Quite simple. This year? Not so much. I bought a house last year. I have deductions now. The first time homebuyers credit is weighing heavy on my mind. I know that I qualify but not sure how it works. I hate having to hire someone to do my taxes. Last time I did that the idiot fouled everything up and boy were my finances in a mess from it. I have a friend who is an accountant but not too sure I want someone digging around in my financial stuff who I know on a personal level. I'm sure he is good at what he does but still... Lots to think about and put together in the next couple of weeks. Once my taxes are filed I will feel much better.

That last sentence takes me to WHY I will feel better. Well..the refund of course. I will get things paid off. My cruise being one of them. I will be taking a couple of mini vacations this year thanks to my lovely refund. NYC in February and GWO in April. The big thing, other than the cruise, is the possiblity of buying a car. I told K that she would have a car when she turns 16 which just so happens to be this year. Thing is...do I want to let her drive my PT or do I want to find a cheap little car that is cute and in good shape and let her drive that? OR...do I want to find a cute car that is in good shape (think sporty here) and keep it for myself? I hate making decisions like that. Just stresses me out sometimes. I know that her SD won't help with buying her a car so this one is on me. The stepmonster already bitches about the fact they paid for her drivers ed class. Thing is...I would have paid for 1/2 of the class if the SD had waited until I got my tax refund but noooooo...he wanted to do it when HE wanted to do it. So...the SM can shut the hell up. Witch. Nah...feelings for that woman hasn't changed. I really don't see that ever happening. I will no longer have to deal with her in 3 years. That just sounds so nice!!! I don't mind talking to the SD. He and I have been getting along really well lately. It's refreshing actually. I haven't gotten along with him since K was 3 years old. Let's hope it lasts for at least 3 years. :)

A new year

2010-01-03T21:24:00.000-08:00

Well the new year didn't start out the way I planned. Snow started falling around noon and didn't stop until way late into the night. Driving home was treacherous so I passed on going anywhere. The girls and I stayed home. It was a pretty emotional night for K but we got through it. This coming year will hold good things for her. I'm sure of it. As long as she stays focused and keeps her mind where it needs to be while learning lessons from the past...all will be well.

Today was a pretty crap day from the moment I logged onto my profile. What was said about me may have been meant as a joke but the person who said it has the sense of humor of a frog. There just isn't one. Things said at inappropriate times and things that are very hurtful and belittling. I had enough of it. I said my peace to this person and proceeded to delete and block him from my profile and my life. I just don't need his garbage. Life is too short for friends like that. I know when to joke with friends and I know when the situation calls for a little tact and compassion. This person had neither. I'm not the only person who feels this way but I will only speak for myself. I'm not hurt that he is gone. I'm relieved to be honest with you. Everytime I saw I had a comment from him I felt a weight. Great...what is he going to say now to be hurtful or mean? I just never knew. I don't want to have to look at someone, who is supposed to be a friend, that way. He told me I was out of line for calling him out on how inappropriate his comment was and he went in for more belittling and demeaning words. It was with that last email I knew I needed him out of my life. Enough of the negativity from him. It just got to a point where being a friend with him wasn't worth it.

So...I started my new year holed up in my house with an emotional teenager and ending a friendship. If that is the worst that 2010 is going to be for me...I'm okay with that. On to bigger and better things. NYC, GWO, Eclipse, reunion and cruise. :)

Year end blog

2009-12-29T21:25:00.000-08:00

I cannot say that 2009 was a bad year. Actually...it was a really good one.

January - Hated the start of the year. Met someone but found out that he is a womanizer and man-whore. He didn't want anything to do with me when I said I wouldn't have sex with him. I stopped watching the news after that. Yes...he is a well known tv personality here in town.

February - Got serious about finding a new place to live. The house I was in was starting to make me and the kids sick. End of the month I walked into a house that I knew in an instant was going to be my new home.

March - Moved into MY new home. :) Saw "Twilight" for the first time. The addiction began.

April - First GWO was the beginning of the month. Learned that the words "Christian" and "hypocrite" go hand in hand. Someone who couldn't accept me being honest and truthful chose to end our friendship. With that action the weight he left on my heart was lifted.

May - Not a lot happened in May. Jordin turned 10 and that freaked me out a bit. When did my baby grow up?

June - School is out. Oh boy. A full 3 months of hearing "MOM!!! I'm bored!!!" Found out about the "Twilight Cruise" to Alaska. Put my deposit down. :)

July - Went to Vancouver and spent 4th of July weekend with Tina. We took the "Twilight" tour and had a blast!!! I did learn to not have any kind of food at The Viewpoint Inn. Their hamburgers were still moo'ing when they were served to us. Needless to say...I had some tummy issues later in the day.

August - Mom and dad came to visit. I miss them so much. :(

September - My baby girl started high school. When the hell did that happen???

October - My baby girl turned 15. WHAT??? I'm not diggin this at all.

November - After 6 months of planning I had a New Moon party. Went to see New Moon the first of many times. Realized that I will not plan the Eclipse party. Someone else can do it. This planning stuff is exhausting.

December - Had the best Christmas since 2000. Lots of Twilight stuff. :)

All in all...a great year. Next year is shaping up to be even better. A trip to NY, 2nd annual GWO, Eclipse party, 25 year high school reunion, cruise, my parents coming to visit, Kyla getting her drivers license. See? Busy. I like it.

All's quiet on the western front

2009-12-29T15:58:00.001-08:00

Really. It is. OMT!!! I cannot believe how fricking quiet it's been. Not only at work but everywhere I look. The cruise forums are almost at a stand still. Television shows are nothing but reruns. Even status updates on Facebook are dragging. What is going on??? Gives me too much time to think. All of the thoughts running around in my melon took me in this direction...

Why do people settle?

Seriously. Why? I have known so many people who settle for any warm body that pays attention to them just to have someone in their life.

1. A friend told me once that if she had it to do over she would have never married her husband. She said that the only reason she stays with him is for financial reasons and she doesn't want to be alone.

2. Another friend started dating a man, who in my opinion was not worthy of her, and he was verbally abusive. Telling her to stop eating because she is fat and saying hurtful things that no one should ever put up with. She is now married to him!!!

3. Yet another friend met a man who was still married when she met him. He was everything she didn't want. Smoker, married, bad teeth, didn't have a good job. She is now living with this man and engaged to marry him. Last I heard she is very unhappy.

4. A man I know is with a woman who he isn't sure about but he keeps her around anyway.

5. Another man I am friends with has been dating a woman for 10 months. I only found out about her 2 months ago because he just wasn't sure. She has 4 children, she has an asshole of an ex husband, she is everything he doesn't want but he stays with her. He always ends up with these women who need to be fixed.

What in the hell is it with people settling??? Life is too bloody short to accept less than what you want and deserve in life. I know that I settled in my last long term relationship. It doesn't take a genius to figure that one out. He was everything I don't want in a man. In hindsight I know that I was settling. I was accepting any warm body just so I wouldn't be alone. No matter what it cost me.

It's all around us though. People accepting what is put in front of them without question. Why? It's your life. Question everything that will affect your life! Don't accept less than where you have set your sights and standards. Never lower the bar just to have a warm body in your bed. Using the excuse of "I can't make it financially" is such a cop out. Seriously people. I'm a single mom!!! I've been supporting myself for over 5 years. I work. I get child support. Sometimes I sell things on ebay or craigslist so I can make ends meet. It may be tough for me but I can look myself in the mirror and know that I'm not allowing someone who is not what I want for a partner into my life. A second income is not worth losing my self confidence, self worth and self esteem over. I am way too valuable to allow that to happen.

Are my standards too high? No. I think they are exactly where they should be. I've been in abusive relationships. Physical. Emotional. Mental. I have settled. I have been single for 5 years. There are times when I hate it but then I think "Okay Tracey. You could find any man and have the other side of your bed warm every night but will you truly be happy?". I always answer "No. I wouldn't". I'm given one shot at this life. I don't want to one day breathe my last breath knowing that I gave in. That I didn't hold out for the best. Will that thought keep me alone for the rest of my life? It will if I don't meet the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. A man who is everything I've wanted and dreamed of. Thing about that is...I'm okay if I don't meet him. I will never settle though. I won't be unhappy like a lot of people I know are.

Just my opinion

2009-12-16T16:48:00.000-08:00

but I think that the 80's was the most amazing decade for music ever. I'm sitting here listening to Rick Springfield's "Don't talk to Strangers" and talk about a flashback. The music in the 80's was exactly that. Music. Not that bass ridden, hip hop crap they say is music today. What the hell is that stuff anyway? I know it's not my age saying that. Seriously. There is just nothing there that has any kind of redeeming value. You sure as hell can't really dance to it unless you can pop and whatever else they do now. If you aren't a hip hop dancer...forget even trying to dance to it. In the 80's there were definitely people who couldn't dance well but at least they could kind of keep to the beat. All of the music in the 80's had a different sound and beat to it. Not like the songs of today. Same song different singer is what it seems to be now.

I'm listening to Rick and remembering my first concert which just so happened to be Rick Springfield. OMT!!! I thought I was going to die when he came out on stage. Goodness that man was gorgeous. He still is. I loved the 80's and there are times I wish I could go back and just live one week. To remember how much fun it was. No fear of gangs. No fear of being shot in my own school. Just learning drill team routines. Going out to Selah Civic Center teen dances. Cruising Yakima Ave and being innocent. Enjoying what it means to be a teenager. I am sad that my daughters will never know what I knew then. To live such a fun carefree life, turning up the radio when Rick Springfield came on singing "Human Touch" or Wham's "Wake me up before you go-go". When there wasn't so much hate in the world and wars were something we studied in history.

The 1980's were an amazing time and I am so glad I got to experience it from the neon, to Wham to the original Live Aid. I'm an 80's child and proud of it. :)

Christmas and Twilight

2009-12-15T07:36:00.000-08:00

Never in a million years did I think that reading a saga would bring some of the most amazing people into my life. People from all walks of life and different corners of the world. When I signed on for the cruise little did I know that I was part of a group of men and women who would become very dear friends. A couple of friends that I met through the cruise forum flew up here last month to attend my New Moon party. To be honest...that blew my mind. I have a very small circle of friends as we all know. I'm very leery of people in general and to have 2 women spend the time and money to fly from CA to my house just to spend time with me took me completely by surprise. It showed me that I am not what others have tried to tell me I am. A bad person. A bad friend and I think only of myself.

This post is actually going somewhere. I look at my Christmas tree and it reminds me of just how much people think of me and that I'm loved. My tree was decorated by my children and it is gorgeous but each and every day for the last week I've been adding more to it. Each day I receive a Christmas card from my Twilight friends. Each day my tree is decorated with the cards I take out of my mailbox. It is a beautiful tree. Decorated by people I love and people who love me. I may physically be alone this Christmas but when I turn off the lights and turn on the Christmas tree...I am reminded that I am never alone. I am surrounded by family and friends. This is turning out to be one of the most amazing Christmas' that I have had in many years. :)

Sometimes ya gotta take a step back...

2009-12-13T10:12:00.000-08:00

I'm single. We all know that. Sometimes it sucks but for the most part I'm enjoying my freedom. I'm able to come and go as I please. Well...within reason. I need to make sure that my kids are either with me or being taken care of. I get to go on a cruise and I didn't have to talk to a man to see if he would be okay with it. I just called and put my deposit down. I'm hoping to go to New York for a mini vacation in February. No one to ask if he is okay with it. I'm just doing it. Then we get to GWO. I started the "tradition" with the trip we took this year. I thought it would be a good thing for all of us to get together at least once a year. To be women instead of mom's. Little did I know that what I thought was a good idea would end up causing me more stress than is necessary. I'm not going to get into the why's and what for's. It stresses me out and brings me to tears.

I've canceled the GWO for 2010. Well...I've canceled it for me. The rest of my friends can get together if they want to. I can't control that. What I can control is what I do. I choose to not be involved for the next GWO. I choose to not be the planner again. When I get comments like "I don't care where you choose. I just can't wait to go" and then when I do choose a place that has everything everyone was requesting I get "Isn't that too far to drive?" even though the first place I had picked was much further and that one was okay. I wasted way too much time and energy on finding a perfect place. I won't do it again.

GWO is a good concept. It is just a concept that I won't be in charge of again. If someone else doesn't take it over then GWO will be nothing more than a pleasant memory of 2009.

View of self

2009-12-12T08:36:00.001-08:00

Sometime in the last year I lost me. Not because of some drama. Not because I started feeling sorry for myself. Not because of anything at all. At least not anything that people would say is typical. I used to wear cute clothes with a kind of Carrie flair. Always something a little different added to my conforming outfits. It's what made me stand out a little bit. Since moving I have yet to be the quirky me. For work I wear black pants, a sweater and non-descript black boots. Last year at this time? I never went to work without wearing 3 inch heels. Hmmmm.....

Since buying the house I've gained weight. I attribute that to losing the stress factor I had in my life. I'm working on losing the weight. It's not a lot, thank goodness, but it's just enough to make me feel not so pretty. I was completely stupid in June and decided to cut my hair off. I now regret that. What in the world possessed me to cut hair that was past my bra strap off to just under my ears? Not a bloody clue. I started taking vitamins that helps hair grow fast and it's actually working. By next August I should have my long hair back. I know that not having long hair has been a part of me feeling beige. I'm just blending in. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm not a blending in kind of person. I like to stand out. Be the flirty, fun to be around person.

I have made decisions that I will stick to and bring myself out of the beige mode I put myself in.

1. Get back into my size 6 jeans
2. Grow my hair back out
3. Get contacts (want lasik but that scares the hell out of me)
4. Quirkify my wardrobe again
5. Experiment with different makeup and find what really looks good
6. Take mini vacations throughout the year to keep myself energized

It's not a difficult list to stick to. I just need to remember to think about myself more and not get so wrapped up in other things. At the end of the day the thing that really matters is how I feel about myself. After that...everything else will fall into place.

It's a struggle...

2009-12-11T19:17:00.000-08:00

I decided back in October that I needed to start working out. Since buying my house and having the lump in my breast removed I've gained some weight. I've gone from a size 8 to a 10. Ouch. Goes to show that stress is the best diet out there. Remove the stress and guess what? You gain weight!!! Well...at least I did and I'm hating it with a fricking passion!!! The cruise has given me incentive to lose what I've gained. Let me tell you...it was easier putting it on than taking it off. I joined Curves and didn't really get serious about it until the last couple of weeks. Today was my day to be measured. I've lost an inch in my waist and 2% body fat. WOW!!! I didn't think I was losing anything. If this keeps up I'll make my goal by cruise time. I have a pair of jeans I could wear when I turned 40 and they were a size 6. I liked how I looked in them and I want to be able to wear them again. I know I can do it and having the club in the same building where I work helps. I can't make excuses to not go plus the owner won't let me slide. She stays on me and reminds me why I'm doing this. I have noticed something though. I feel really good after working out. At least now that I'm really into it. The first week or two I wanted to die. I kept thinking "What the hell did I get myself into???" Now I'm holding myself accountable and even when I don't want to go work out...I do it anyway. My eating habits still haven't changed though. I really need to work on that one. Trying to stop drinking so much soda and that is a serious challenge. I've gotten myself to where I don't buy it in the mornings anymore. I drink water as soon as I get to work and I think that is helping. All I know is that I want to look amazing for the cruise and nothing is going to stop me from reaching my goal. :)

Okay...where's Tracey and what did you do with her?

2009-12-09T21:40:00.000-08:00

Today I found out that a guy I used to date is moving into an assisted living facility. Apparently he has some dystrophy in his nerves and has no use of his legs and is in a wheelchair. We were both 21 when we dated. He was someone that started me on the "do not trust men" road. After putting up with the lies, the cheating and the humiliation for over a year the relationship ended. I never looked back nor did I want anything to do with him. Every once in awhile I would hear something about him and I would take it with a grain of salt. I figured it was more lies. He was soooo good at that. Lie after lie after lie would come out of that man's mouth. Now I sit here and still question if he is still lying and creating this medical condition. I should feel bad for him. I should have some kind of compassion and sympathy for him. I don't. I feel nothing but "Oh well...Karma's a bitch isn't it?". Where did that come from??? That is so unlike me to not feel any kind of anything for someone who is suffering.

I haven't thought of this man in years and have put my experience with him in a little box and placed it on a shelf somewhere in the back of my mind. After learning of his problem I've thought of almost nothing but him today. Why? I thought I had forgiven him. I thought I had gotten past what he had done to me. It was 20 freaking years ago!!! Makes me wonder...am I still holding onto every hurt that has ever been done to me by a man? I know I've let the crap that happened with Darren go. When he said he couldn't be friends with me because I'm honest and will tell the truth in all instances I knew that the hold he had on me was finally broken. I have not spoken to or communicated with him since my birthday this year.

Wow!!! Talk about an eye opener. I keep running from any kind of relationship or even getting to know someone out of fear of getting hurt again. Is it the residual pain from past relationships that is still holding me back? Am I still holding onto it with a vice grip and not willing to let it go? I can't help but think that I just found my problem. Until I let go of the morons who tainted my views of love and relationships...I will never meet my Edward.

Where have I been?

2009-12-01T14:57:00.000-08:00

Certainly not blogging that's for sure. Last post was in August. Seems like that was a million years ago. So much has happened in 3 months. Things I won't get into on here but definitely some life changes. No...I did not get married or have a baby.

One part that happened is...

NEW MOON WAS RELEASED!!! OMT!!!! I've seen it 5 times so far. I can't get enough of it and I've read that they won't be releasing the DVD until May or June!!!!! WTF???? Seriously? With Eclipse being released June 30th they are going to wait until just before that to release NM on DVD? That's just messed up.

I.DO.NOT.WANT.TO.WAIT.THAT.LONG!!!

That is just frustrating. It's really like a drug addiction. Everyone that I know who is a Twilighter feels the same way. They just can't get enough and have seen it multiple times. I know that I'll see it at least a couple more times before it's out of the theaters. After that? WHAT DO WE DO ABOUT THE WITHDRAWALS??? *sigh* Must figure out how to deal with the lack of New Moon'age when I can't go the theater to get my fix.

Miss my blog

2009-08-21T13:09:00.000-07:00

I am not on here enough. Been too wrapped up in planning my party in November and the cruise I'm taking next August. Life just gets so busy and then you wonder where the time went. So much going on that there really isn't time to post a full blog and I just post a status on my Facebook.

Things are pretty busy here. I'm having a party in November and if I don't keep myself under control I will get a little over the top. The menu's are planned out though. Since I'm going to have a houseful all weekend...I've decided on some great food. Baked Ziti, tiramisu pancakes, chicken gnocchi soup, baked brie (courtesy of Margaret), pumpkin muffins with pecan/coconut topping and a variety of other munchies. I'm slowing getting decorations but keep finding more and more that I want to buy. Four friends that I've met on the cruise forum are going to come over for it and that just has me all excited. Two are flying up here from California and four are coming from Seattle. I'm feelin the love!!! It will be a great weekend.

The cruise takes up a good part of my thinking. I'm meeting some fabulous people on the forum and I have a feeling I'm going to make some lifetime friends. I know the cruise is still a year away but we are all becoming fast friends. It's going to make going on this cruise so much easier for me since I'm going alone. I'll already have friends on the ship so the fear will not be too intense. :)

I've missed my blog. I really need to get back to it. I love writing. :)

Are you kidding me???

2009-07-24T10:05:00.000-07:00

I'm sure this will be taken down quickly if Summit has anything to say about it but for now...*sigh* Why isn't it November???

WTF?????

2009-07-22T10:20:00.000-07:00

Ok...I try to keep politics and other immigrant crap but this one I just have to vent about. A friend of mine had a house fire last week. She lost damn close to everything. We all know that fires suck and when something like that happens you hope that there are agencies out there who will help you get back on your feet. Well let me tell you my friends...THERE ISN'T!!!! She just called OIC, which is a state run office, asking for assitance in getting her electricity set up because the power company is saying she needs a deposit to get service set up. Would you like to know what OIC told her??? Since she hasn't worked in the fields or orchards in the last 2 years she doesn't qualify for assistance. WTF???? Are you fricking kidding me??? That my friends is total bullshit. Excuse my language but when the hell did where you work qualify you for getting help after a catastrophe????

With what just happened to her....how can ANYONE question why American citizens have issues with immigrants and how the government is kissing the asses of everyone who comes here illegally???

OMT!!! I'm going to piddle my pants...

2009-06-19T13:00:00.000-07:00

I just put a deposit down for the Twilight Cruise next summer!!! I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am about this. Seriously. I have never been on a cruise!!! To have my first cruise be to Alaska AND it's a Twilight Cruise with Ashley Green and Kellan Lutz on board? I think I have just died and gone to heaven. I'm so giddy that I can't even think to type. The cruise will be after New Moon AND Eclipse so this is going to be a great trip.

While talking to Linda, the travel agent who put this all together, she said that I won't be the oldest one on the ship. She is older than me and her sister, who is also going, is older than her. Twilight is NOT just for teeny boppers. I'm telling ya...Edward emcompasses all ages. *sigh* Who knows...maybe I'll meet MY Edward on this cruise. :)

This is hilarious!!!

2009-06-09T11:57:00.000-07:00

HD version...much better. :)

2009-06-05T11:47:00.000-07:00

10

2009-06-03T16:15:00.000-07:00

That's how much weight I've gained in the last few months. Ten freaking pounds!!! Seriously??? I am no longer the happy 6/8. I am now the 9/10. Oh good grief that sucks. Once I saw the numbers on the scale at the doctors office and then realized that my clothes just aren't fitting as well as they used to I decided that enough is enough. I feel like crap. I don't care how my hair and makeup look. That is just NOT me!!!

Realizing I'm not happy with how I look I took the bull by the horns and took that first step of getting rid of the ugly ten. I stopped drinking diet Pepsi. No more soda!!! It's killing me. I'll tell you that right now. No soda at all is just so not me. I am so addicted to the stuff that quitting is just so not easy. But...I have a bottle of water on my desk now at all times. I drink sun tea when I am at home. Granted...it's sweet tea but cut me some slack here ok? It's not like I'm drinking a whole jug in one sitting. One glass a night and that's it.

I do have some incentive to lose the weight though. I want to look hot for the cruise that I am going to do my best to be on. You just never know who you might meet on one of those things. Well...aside from meeting Ashley and Kellan. LOL Going on a cruise requires wearing of some sexy clothes and the way I look right now...sexy clothes are not an option. I feel icky and I really don't like feeling icky. It's time this woman makes a change and gets back to who she was. This mama-looking, pudgy, straight haired thing is someone who died years ago. No way in hell am I going to allow her to be resurrected.

Lovin' my friends...

2009-06-03T14:17:00.000-07:00

I love how my friends think of me when they come across something they know I would like. Last night Pam sent me a link to something she saw on KOMO TV last night. I shall share it with you...

I WANNA GO!!!

Know how I was planning on taking a trip to Ireland next year for my vacation? I think that has been changed with this new information. :) A cruise to Alaska in August with some of the cast from the Twilight Saga? Seriously? I mentioned it to Kyla last night and she asked me how much it was. Once she found out the price I could see the wheels turning in her head. She is working her first job this summer and will have the money for the deposit plus spending money. I'll help her out with the rest of the costs. It's something she can work toward. :) So with that said...I do believe I will be going to Alaska next year. Ireland will have to wait. ;)

Definite change

2009-06-01T14:33:00.000-07:00

Twilight...

New Moon...

I read an interview where he says he will be getting bigger for Eclipse and Breaking Dawn. Seriously??? Words fail me at this point.

I'm on a roll...

2009-06-01T13:02:00.000-07:00

I just can't help myself....:) This is going to be sooooo cool!!!!

Too cute

2009-06-01T09:44:00.000-07:00

This was just too cute last night.

Kristen was true to Bella form when she accepted her award. Check this out...

And the wait begins...

2009-06-01T09:18:00.001-07:00

Twilight kicked butt last night on the MTV Movie Awards. They took all awards they were nominated for aside from one...best song. The whole show was good but definitely not kid friendly. Here is the trailer for New Moon just in case you missed the awards show. I know that you are just chomping at the bit to see it. LOL When the girls and I saw it last night all 3 of us screamed when we saw how Jacob phased. Seriously...it is going to be a looooonnnnggggg 6 months. *sigh*

Twi-diction

2009-05-29T09:44:00.000-07:00

While doing my morning ritual of seeing what new news there is about the filming of New Moon I had a thought. Shocking I know but I went with it. Once Breaking Dawn has been filmed and released what is going to happen? There are millions of females (I say female because there are more than just teenie boppers who are in love with this saga) who are completely and totally addicted to anything Twilight. Just google it. Obligatory line from Twilight. For those of you who have seen the movie a million and one times like I have you will get that. :)

Twilight has become such a phenomena that I don't even think that Stephenie Meyer knew how big it was going to be. It is so much more than Harry Potter. Don't get me wrong...I'm not dissing Harry Potter at all. I love that story and I will miss it when the Deathly Hallows movie has finished. There is just something about Twilight that keeps me and millions of others entranced. The way Edward loves Bella, how Bella cannot distinguish the line that separates her and Edward as if they are two halves of one entity. Bella being torn from a deep familial love for Jacob and the burning sexually tense love she has for Edward. How two deeply entrenched enemies can bond together as allies.

I could get so deeply wrapped up in analyzing this story and every facet of it from Twilight all the way through Breaking Dawn. I know that there are many people out there who have and will continue. Thing is...I'm not going to do that. I want to enjoy the story for what it is. A boy (well vampire) meets girl. They fall in love. So it's based around vampires, werewolves (I hate saying that because they AREN'T werewolves but shapeshifters but I'm digressing aren't I?) and other mythical unknown things. It's a fictional story. Who cares what the analytical stuff is. I don't think that Stephenie does. I'm sure she is just looking at how a dream she had one night turned into a multi-million dollar baby. I wonder though...since she has started "Midnight Sun"...will she finish it and give that to us as a parting gift once Breaking Dawn has been released in theaters? This Twilight mom can only hope she does.

New Moon

2009-05-28T15:46:00.000-07:00

Found this on one of the many Twilight blogs I read. :) I told ya...it's an obsession/addiction. If you haven't read New Moon then this video most likely won't make any bit of sense to you. LOL

A change

2009-05-28T15:40:00.000-07:00

Yes...I changed my layout. It had to be done. Besides I was getting tired of the other one. Needed to mix it up a bit. You will notice that I have a chat box on the sidebar instead of having comments. Let's see how that works out. :)

The eyes have it...

2009-05-08T10:27:00.000-07:00

Seriously...those eyes just kill me!!! Oh good grief...now I need to watch Twilight tonight. Can you say obsessed? I know I can. I am happy to know that I have support in my obsession with some friends. They are just as mad about the saga as I am.

I made plans for July 4th to go to Portland and watch Vamp Baseball with another Twi-friend. While down there I figured why not go visit the places where the movie was filmed. Great photo ops and it will make Kyla as jealous as all get out. She has to be with the SD all summer so there won't be an opportunity for her to join me. She is getting a Twilight birthday though. I'm taking her to Forks and we are staying in a Twilight themed room. Forks in late October. The weather will be lovely. Read that with sarcasm as any Pacific Northwesterner will tell you...the Olympic Peninsula will be drenched by that time. Must remember to bring an umbrella and my webbed feet. It will be worth it to see the look on Kyla's face and making a lifetime memory.

Excess within control

2009-05-06T11:06:00.000-07:00

Been sitting here today thinking about...well basically Twilight and all things associated with it. I did find a website that lists all of the places where filmed. Since I'm going to be in the Portland area the weekend of July 4th...I figured I would go on a photo safari.

While doing some prerusing of the internet...for some reason the movie "Somewhere in Time" popped into my head. In my opinion THE most romantic movie ever put on film. Jane Seymour and Christopher Reeve had the epitome of on screen chemistry. While looking at a site that is dedicated to the movie I found some quotes....one of them being my title. Excess within control. That brings me back to "Twilight". It would be so easy to get carried away with the story. I need to keep it under control without going completely fanatical about it.

Twilight and Somewhere in Time have almost the same premise. One person is willing to give up everything that they have for the person they love. There are so many different levels and topics of conversation I could go with this. I'm just going to keep it simple. A man and woman fall in love and they will do anything they can to be with that person. We all know I have my opinions on love and relationships. I don't want to tarnish either of these two stories with my cynicism. I do have to say though...both movies give me hope. Somewhere in Time has two beautiful people who fall in love. Twilight has one frighteningly gorgeous man who falls hopelessly in love with a plain jane type of girl. I know they are stories but these stories are written by real people. People who, I assume, have felt all of the emotions that their characters feel. Do I believe I will fall in love someday? I have to honestly say that I don't know. I would like to have the hope that I will. Should it not happen for me...I have my love stories on film to give me that warm, loved feeling.

Excess within control, Tracey.

Really...

2009-04-29T16:19:00.000-07:00

The right way

2009-04-29T13:55:00.000-07:00

I have a daughter who is turning 15 in October. Can you say that I'm facing *gasp* a learners permit not soon after that??? Seriously? When did that happen??? Where did the time go? *sigh* Not liking it but it's inevitable. She is already discussing driving and the fact that I told her she would be driving my PT. Actually...she is going to be buying it from me. Being a single mom I can't just give her a car. Plus I want her to learn some lessons from this and that she won't be given everything in life. Needless to say that has put me in a position to buy the car I want. A sporty and cute little car. Been doing some looking and research and here is what I'm wanting...at least for the moment. ;)

No...it isn't as expensive as it looks. I also did a quick quote for insurance and would you believe it's about the same as what my PT Cruiser is??? I know...shocked me too. It's still a year away before I need to get a car but I want to do my research and make sure I'm getting a good car and not some throw away. Isn't that just the cutest car and wouldn't I look great in it? LOL

Friday

2009-04-24T15:32:00.000-07:00

Thought I would share a little eye candy for the weekend since I can't think of anything else to blog about. LOL Have a great weekend!!!

GWO2

2009-04-23T09:12:00.000-07:00

Yep...it's going to be a "Not so annual but whenever we feel the need" kind of thing. Our next get together is being planned. It all started with a little book called "Twilight". LOL Pam and I got all wrapped up in the books so Margaret joined in on the reading. We now have her hooked. I read the whole series in about a week. Same with Pam. I think if Margaret continues the way she is...she will finish in about the same time. Anyway...I digress. The point is this...with all of the Twilight hysteria...and it is hysteria...Pam thought that a good time for a GWO2 would be when "New Moon" is released. Well that was just brilliant!!! We are going to crash at my new house and be legal teenagers. :) There is going to be a 2nd part of this GWO2. Since one of our legal teenagers can't join us...we are going to head to her place in early December and continue the GWO2. She lives in Ridgefield which is not far from where Twilight was filmed. Who knows what we will end up doing other than seeing the movie again. Now to start thinking of goodie bags, Twilight type drinks which we know is most important. :)

*not the official poster but I loved it so there it is. :)

And so the lion...

2009-04-08T14:48:00.000-07:00

Currently my obsession. Why not? Robert is easy to look at and it's romantic as all get out. :)

I know it's not synched up all that fabulous but you get the idea.

Liberation

2009-04-07T09:34:00.000-07:00

I had a bit of drama last week. Nothing that got me too riled up but it was a drama that needed to be played out. This morning I awoke with the feeling of liberation and coming full circle. I won't get into specifics but the jist of it was that a person from my past could not accept that I will be honest when it comes to how I feel about things. If someone hurts me, I'm going to tell them. If I'm angry, I'm going to tell them. If someone makes me happy, I'll tell them that also. The person in question stated that they could not accept that from me. WOW!!! Seriously? My jaw dropped when I read their email. That statement opened up so much for me I can't even begin to explain. For the first time in 5 years I finally felt that all of the soul searching and self reflection has paid off. I am no longer a prisoner in my own life. I can parole myself from my self imposed prison that I've been in for darned near 5 years.

I have allowed certain people put me and keep in me in the box they want me to be in. To be the spineless and weak woman I was 5 years ago. When I found it in myself to take a stand and not accept that box and the parameters that was being placed upon me...those people cannot accept being in a friendship with me. I was looking at them with my eyes closed so tightly that I didn't see what they were doing to me. Once I opened them wide I saw so clearly what was happening. The way I see it is...as long as they can keep me down and being the sad pathetic person I was...they don't have to face their own inadequacies and just how messed up they really are. I'm not talking in specifics here or about any one person. It's just a generalization of the past 5 years of my life.

I am now a woman who won't tolerate being treated with nothing less than kindness and respect. If someone cannot afford me those two basic principles then there is really no reason for them to be in my life. It's as simple as that. I will be honest with who I am to all who are in my life. I will not change who I am to please others. Accept me as I am or do as one person did last week...leave. Period. Sounds harsh but I have one life to live and I won't waste it on superficial and fake people who claim to be friends. I have too much living to do to be bothered with their games. It's just not worth it and definitely not worth wasting my time on.

Today was liberating for me. What a great way to start a Tuesday.

For Sherri

2009-03-25T15:56:00.000-07:00

Movie Trailers - Movies Blog

I'm in a mood...

2009-03-25T13:34:00.000-07:00

Sorry ya'all but I love this song. :) Now for some trivia. What movie had this playing at the end? Not the credits but just the ending scenes?

End of March

2009-03-25T13:01:00.001-07:00

Here in Washington State the phrase "In like a lion and out like a lamb" quite accurately describes March. Here...let me show you:

The above photo is what Snoqualmie Pass looks like today. Yes...I said TODAY!!! March 25, 2009. In a week and 1/2 my friends and I will be meeting in Seattle for the GWO. GWO meaning Girls Weekend Out. You see that photo just above? That is the pass that me and two of my friends must drive over in order to get to Seattle. I am not the one doing the driving but still...I'm less than thrilled at what the roads look like at this point. Margaret texted me and said that 15 inches fell in the last 24 hours. HELLO!!! It's Spring. No Spring snow!!! Spring flowers!!! Spring sunshine!!! Spring warmth!!! This is what is required of Spring. Not the fricking white stuff falling in bucket loads!!! I know better than to expect anything other than this type of weather but please...??? A nice weekend would be...well nice. *sigh*

*muttering under my breath* Stupid snow...

Newness

2009-03-25T11:37:00.000-07:00

I was bored. I changed my template. Thoughts?

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant

2009-03-24T11:58:00.000-07:00

I needed to remind myself of this again. It's been a rough week and one that has hurt my heart. Decisions and choices were made that weren't what I truly wanted but had to be done. I'm not going to get into the why's and what's of the circumstances. I don't need the drama. What I do need is to remember this:

Are Your Friends Here for a Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime?

Many of us are fortunate enough to have friends who are a consistent part of our lives throughout all our ups and downs. However, sometimes others we consider friends appear to enter, then depart from our lives for reasons we try to, but don't always, understand. This piece nicely explains the flow of people in and out of our lives.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.

Then people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons: things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life

Needing a friend...

2009-03-19T12:27:00.000-07:00

No...not me. My little doof, Jeffery. He is a lonely little weenie. He's a daschund!!! Where was your mind??? Good grief. Seriously though. Now that I have moved and I have a fenced yard I think that the doof needs a friend. I've been looking at Chihuahua's. Quite cute and loveable. Not sure though. The doof can get rambunctious sometimes. I do know that I need a smaller friend though. Doof is a doxie so he has little legs and a LONG back. Plus I think a female would be better for him. That way I'm not dealing with an alpha male issue. So...we are looking for a friend for the doof. Any suggestions on a good breed?

See this?

2009-03-16T14:26:00.000-07:00

It bloody well better not be like that in 2 weeks or I'm gonna be cranky. Thank God I'm not the one driving to Seattle for the GWO. I do not do well driving in the snow. I'm bored today...can you tell? LOL